While my son naps....

So, I have used fake names for the purpose of this blog. I went over to "Sherry's" this morning, borrowed her van, went to the bank, paid my overdue rent through my account, and went to get groceries. I also bought some macaroni for lunch for a change, rather than a sandwich. However, I don't think that mattered because I filled up on popcorn chips and tea afterwards. I spent a large portion of my day over there. haha. poor woman.

I think we had a resourceful day. I found a daycare with an opening for my son "Leigh." Hopefully; when I talk to my nurse tomorrow she will continue to be able to pay the difference and the taxi fair there. Maybe this will give me an opportunity to get out some. Being cooped up in this house all the time is doing me no good.

Anyways, the conversations with myself are getting worse. I literally sit there and talk to myself and have full blown conversations with myself. If I don't talk to myself, because perhaps am not in the mood, because I talked to somebody else that day, I miss myself.

I answer myself. Just like the time I was talking to myself and burnt my thumbs the other night with a lighter. ouch. My thumb still hurts.

The voices in my head are coming back. They tell me to do away with myself. They told me to strangle myself the last couple mornings. Of course, I don't.... because there is this impulse when it happens. I don't make plans. It's just completely impulsive when I feel I can't take it any more. When I have my boy, I know I can't.

I worry that nobody would find him and take care of him. Of course, I wouldn't take him over to anybody's house. Then they would know what was going on. So, the only way this would happen (unless my medication screws me up) would be if he was gone to his father's and I was alone and impulsive.

It's like another person takes control of my mind and posessed me and I am somebody completely different. As Sherry said today....maybe I am posessed!!