Trying to get better

With the holidays quickly approaching it is important that I get better. It's not as if I can tell my brain "ok, it's Christmas you need to be happy for everybody now." If only I had that kind of control over my mind.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was up several times.

This must just be a long lasting depression, if I can think back to being fifteen walking along the edge of the river contemplating death. I have gone through this for so long now, it is time to kick its ass. I meet my on call psychiatrist today. We will see just how much more they try to drug me. They say that's not their goal but that is 100 percent how I feel.

Sure, they need to keep me safe on a temporary basis but what about long term. Am I going to have a bright future? My heart tells me that I have the gift of imagination. I am not mentally ill, I just get stuck in fantasy. And I can't tell the difference between reality. If I could use my imagination to tell people stories, if only I could put it onto paper in  a way that people would want to read it. I have several great stories in my heart, it's writing them that is the problem. I'm too depressed to write them.

Leigh is in daycare today. My aunt had given me a bit of money and I bought my family members some small gifts from the dollar store. It felt nice to wrap them, now I won't feel like a complete goof on Christmas.

I am worried about the day he is not going to be in daycare. I wish I had my stroller here, I would take him for a loooooong walk. I don't know what I'm going to do in this house that is not child proofed. It is going to be a long day. I miss my son when he is not with me though, I am glad he enjoys himself at daycare. I did infact need this break. It's being alone with a break that often frightens me.

I also want to touch base on something. If reading this bothers you, upsets you, makes you feel uncomfortable in any way than please don't. I only want happiness for everybody. Blogging is just therapeutic and I don't think I would do it if I only had a pen and paper. I also think if there was somebody else going through what I go through that they could benefit from it.

Thank you to those who have been here for me in any way.