I want to kill myself

I never truly believed I would be to this point in my life. I never believed I would be here. My life is not that bad. Sure, I don't have a job or any money. I  have a loving two year old son that I would be lost with out. He is my method of survival.  I live in a nice neighbourhood with caring and loyal friends. These things just aren't enough any more. Growing up I used to think about wiping myself off of the earth and that nobody would notice, because I had no friends. But now, I do sort of have those around that would be affected by my death.

Just today, I frightened myself with the belt around my neck. Why would I do this? I am not afraid to kill myself any longer like I used to be. I am not afraid to let go. I am not really afraid of hell that much. As I tightened the belt around my neck I wasn't even sad. I briefly decided I did not want to do such a thing. As I released the belts grip around my neck, I looked at myself in the mirror and I took a deep breath. I couldn't even sigh a sigh of relief. For, I was not relieved. I truly wanted to die, but I cried to myself.

I thought to myself how could I do that to myself. Was I really ready to let go? I cried and thought how could I do such a thing to my son. He really is what keeps me going.I don't want him to know my legacy as the "mentally ill mother who killed herself." I won't let my boy grow up to turn out like me as both my father and mother had done to me. It is tought to battle a mental illness that's been created in my mind through life's circumstances and both of my parents mental illnesses.

 Maybe one day I'll look back on all of this and think that my little boy saved my life. I don't want to
be that mom. I want to be the strong mom that loves her son and shows him all the positive ways of the world. I want to be loving and ready for action at all times. I do not want to be the mom off of "About A Boy."

Eventually, that boy turned out well. I don't want my son to go through torment and torture that I went through watching my parents and grandparents (the ones that raised me) suffer through mental illnes. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

I have a counsellor but I cannot even talk to her any longer. If she knew I had plans in recent times to do such a thing she would send me back to the hospital. I don't want my son to go through the trauma of losing me temporarily again to be returned to me. I cannot be honest with her and tell her that the possibility is there. A hospital would not do my mind any good anyways. I need a change in life circumstances and I failed with the lottery ticket that was purchased.

Check back in as you watch my battle, trials and tribulations through my mental illness. The video below is not me, just something I found on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdkNn3Ei-Lg