Therapy on Thursday

 I am reminded of the conversation I had last night with Allison. She said perhaps I need to be more honest with my therapist. I am thinking about all of the things I think happened that I don't really know if happened. I'm going to list them and wonder if I should ask her about them.

1) I asked her if she was dating my dad in session 1...because I was listening to the voices in my head.
2)I remember quoting a lot of songs and her asking me "what do you want out of this."
3)I remember telling her that my uncle buried bodies under the houses he builds and that when they travel he is a serial killer and makes it look like an accident...lol.
4)I remember witnessing a murder as a little girl by the murder and my other uncle whose not really my uncle told me "shh don't tell anybody." as he let the body float away in the river. My little cousin was there (I was about ten and it was a trip to Florida we were on). I was like "you can't tell what you don't remember. You too, buddy. You didn't see anything." and my cousin nodded.
5)I remember laughing hysterically and asking if she has listened to the radio, then her turning on the radio and me being like "what...that's not the radio station I was listening to!" Then she was like "your going to the hospital...now. Let's go." asshole.
6)I remember writing Miranda Lambert's song "Heart Like Mine" when I work at the Irving, having her come in to the Irving, asking her to wait a minute and handing her the letter and asking her to get it to Miranda Lambert.
7)This was after the couple that I had given the winning lottery ticket numbers to when I was fifteen in BC when I was sailing on the YAGS had found me when I was nineteen at the Irving and gave me a winning lottery ticket for forty million dollars. I was with my ex at the time and figured that kind of money in his hands would be a danger to society. I also didn't know how to help and what to do with it so I just met her at the place that she worked, told her secretary I REALLY needed to talk to her,  and told her to sign the ticket and told her she was smarter than me. I also said "I ain't got time for this shit." then I told her I wanted her to pay for my therapy sessions and wanted to drive her car once and that was it.
8)I thought my ex was a serial killer. (I told the police I had acted like a serial killer and studied their routines to get around them) I told them this after I had slept at the police station for three days to tell them.
9)In High School I wrote Brad Paisley a letter and he recorder "This is Country Music" because I wrote the song. I told him I just wanted him to record it. It was so well recieved he did a spin off album.
10)I remember my therapist coming up to me in high school and being like "What are you doing." Couldn't give her an answer. She went to the librarian and was like "she's not doing her homework."
11)I remember my therapist coming into Irving and asking for air. (Of course I didn't think that she could put her own air in her tires) She was like "Can I puh-lease get some air in my tires," right snooty. Because I told my co worker I didn't feel good enough to do it...pregnancy hormones...then I went to walk over to her car and was like "oh crap, do you want to drive it around" then she was like "You can do it. You do have a license dontcha." then I was like "license to what." Then I drove it to the pump, left a toonie in her console, to be a smart ass, told her I couldn't get it because the voices in my head told me to say that because I couldnt sit the way I wanted to (kneeling), she was like "let me try." Then she was like "I can't get it either." then she kneeled right/  Then I got down and got it open. Then I put the air in the other tire. I asked if she wanted me to do the other two. She was like "no, I can do it myself." I nodded and was like "right." Then I stood there blankly trying to figure out if she had found the money and I was like okay she definetely did. So, I walked past her and held out my hand for the return of the toonie.

Taking a breather. Anybody notice that my therapist pops up in a lot of my dreams.

12)I remember thinking that the end of the world was coming (the day of my admittance to the psyc ward) and was really happy that they had found heaven in Germany because World War 2 didn't really happen in Germany
13)I remember trying to move cars with my body movements the day of my accident. I now know I am not a super hero.
14)Just as I was driving along with my grandparents as a teenagers I remember thinking "the love of money really is the route of all evil." I don't know why I was thinking that, but I was looking at houses my family had built.
15)I remember my therapist coming into Irving, introducing herself to the Jonas Brothers, then me meeting the Jonas brothers. They also gave me their phone number. This is wierd, because I am not even a Jonas Brothers fan.
16)I remember meeting Miranda  Lambert at Irving, and her asking me what I wanted her to do with the song. I told her to record it, and signed away my rights to it.
17)Just one more that I remember. My grandparents sat me down, told me I was adopted, and I had to meet my mom when I was 16. I was like "adopted by who," thinking to myself "who would give my mother a kid." I told them fine. I wanted to meet her. I went to the Social Development building and said I did not want to see her. I just wanted to ask her one question. I asked if she wanted an open adoption. She said "yes." I asked for the pic I had handed her back, told her I knew who she was, wrote Jer 29:11 on the back and told her I knew who she was. I wanted to see her in peace without my grandparents getting angry if I saw her. Guess who it was? My therapist...oh brother. As I left, I remember thinking "it doesn't matter what they do to me tonight, my mom wanted an open adoption!"
18)She is not the only one. I had a friend who told me she had an abortion around the same time I was born and I thought she was my real mother.
19)I remember being sliced open with a knife down there as a young child.
20)I remember a strange man in my bathroom while my mom was bathing me.
21)I remember getting locked in my bedroom as a child and having to climb in my window, my mommy washed my mouth out with soap. Oh well. And arm & shoulder toothpast tastes disgusting.
22)I remember seeing several babies being burnt alive in a giant room in my next door neighbours apartment when I was five. Much like a Satanic ritual. Relax, I am not going to hurt anybody, this is just my rediculously vivid imagination
23)I remember that Leigh was with a bunch of country singers during my therapy session in which I was admitted to the psyc ward. Angelina Jolie was also my mediator.
24)I also remember being abuses as a teenager and thinking "maybe he will stop if I just stop asking him to read to me.
25)I also remember writing the story of how my uncle was molested by his dad and they called him crazy and had him admitted to the psyc ward after killing his girlfriend. This story was broadcast on the biography channel (really I watched it!)
26)I also dreamt that I dated my therapists brother, with whom we shared wine, a beach make out session, and a sunset. Don't worry, he was not as old as her real brother.
27)Remember when there was a fire at the furniture building over West? Well, I thought that was because the owner and his partner were serial killers and that was just a cover up for what had really happened.
28)During my pregnancy Ben Affleck commented on my youtube account and said "Hi, I'm Ben Affleck. How are you."
My response?  "Dear Mr. Affleck. I believe you. I wish you and your family nothing but the best." Well, it was SOMETHING like that.
29)My bladder being stretched at age 10 was also apparently an abortion.
30)And at the end of all this, my therapist who is apparently my mother that built the psyc ward to my standards, asks me if I got better. The answer, would be, judging by the fact that I don't know what is real and what is not...NO! Now ask me which ones I think are real and aren't real.

That's really not all, but that's all I could get out in one sitting.

Ha. We are gonna have a lot to talk about in therapy I think.
And when you are done laughing, and going "huh", you better freaking comment after this entry.
Can somebody print this off for me so I don't have to write it all out for her?
By the way, you owe me twenty million dollars, I was clearly not healthy enough to give you that kind of authority over my money. haha.