I remember!!

As I was reading "The Quiet Little Woman" by Louisa May Alcott my eyes bulged out of my head! I remember now!! I remember a part of the routes of my problem. I was not really interested in this book, for it was not very imaginative. I thought to myself I needed to read more because it was keeping my mind occupied. I thought about needing an interesting book and I thought I would read something like "Harry Potter." Than I remembered that I am not supposed to read frightening things like that. Than I remembered!! This is when it began. I was ten years old. I read all four of those books in practically one week, and my imagination was more than I could handle! I stopped reading after that because this is where it began.

So is my real problem just my imagination? As far as depression goes, I know I have it. But maybe I'm not schizo, maybe it's really just an over active imagination. Merry Christmas to me, I had a revelation.

Trying to get better

With the holidays quickly approaching it is important that I get better. It's not as if I can tell my brain "ok, it's Christmas you need to be happy for everybody now." If only I had that kind of control over my mind.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was up several times.

This must just be a long lasting depression, if I can think back to being fifteen walking along the edge of the river contemplating death. I have gone through this for so long now, it is time to kick its ass. I meet my on call psychiatrist today. We will see just how much more they try to drug me. They say that's not their goal but that is 100 percent how I feel.

Sure, they need to keep me safe on a temporary basis but what about long term. Am I going to have a bright future? My heart tells me that I have the gift of imagination. I am not mentally ill, I just get stuck in fantasy. And I can't tell the difference between reality. If I could use my imagination to tell people stories, if only I could put it onto paper in  a way that people would want to read it. I have several great stories in my heart, it's writing them that is the problem. I'm too depressed to write them.

Leigh is in daycare today. My aunt had given me a bit of money and I bought my family members some small gifts from the dollar store. It felt nice to wrap them, now I won't feel like a complete goof on Christmas.

I am worried about the day he is not going to be in daycare. I wish I had my stroller here, I would take him for a loooooong walk. I don't know what I'm going to do in this house that is not child proofed. It is going to be a long day. I miss my son when he is not with me though, I am glad he enjoys himself at daycare. I did infact need this break. It's being alone with a break that often frightens me.

I also want to touch base on something. If reading this bothers you, upsets you, makes you feel uncomfortable in any way than please don't. I only want happiness for everybody. Blogging is just therapeutic and I don't think I would do it if I only had a pen and paper. I also think if there was somebody else going through what I go through that they could benefit from it.

Thank you to those who have been here for me in any way.

A new Day

It was one of my worse days yesterday. I am staying with my aunt now. My thoughts remain the same, I am just safe. I met with my nurse today and she really was concerned. She told me she had to make sure I was safe and if I didn't want to go to the hospital I had to stay with my aunt. Fair enough.

I wish I could be normal. My nurse tells me I can beat this and that things will get better. I just need to tell myself that. She went through her own separation and she herself takes a little anti depressant. She thinks I've been depressed for a long time. I'm supposed to tell myself that things will get better. It's so hard to convince myself that I have more to live for.

My son was always enough, but not anymore. My nurse mentioned that I could end up with brain damage and I don't want that. I know that for a fact, what would be the point then. My son needs me to beat this.

I also have some very supportive friends and family, and thank you to those that were there for me at my highest low. Without you guys I would not have made it through this. I still wish that my thoughts would be balanced and not clouded daily with depressing thoughts.

More poems to consume my thoughts

Just before I write these out I should share a little bit of my evening and morning. I go to sleep with suicide ideation. I wake up with suicide ideation. There is no thought that consumes my mind enough to over power my damaging thoughts. Am I one day going to be like those who wonder lost around the city streets searching  for their hero to ride in and save the day? Or am I going to beat this now? The time is now, but only I can determine how badly I want to beat this.

The problem is that I have to want to want to beat this. I do want to beat it, for my son. Other than that... I just don't want to beat it. I picture myself strangled on my bedside, but God must have a purpose for my life. He did save it, several times already.

If I ever wind up dead, I'm okay with this stuff getting out, but if you make any money I want it to go to my son's education. I really don't know who else should get my money.

Your like rain on a  summers day
You know when to darken my ray
You help my crop grow
When they are at their highest low
You show up when I have no desire
Your down poor takes me higher
I wish for you on darker nights
Your always in my hearts sight
My soul dances at your shower
You possess that power
Thank you for listening with your heart
When mine was torn apart.
***********
I have a strong desire
That there is a power
That would take you higher
Than the highest tower
I have a strong passion
That there is a dream
That would stronger than the waves crashing
Then, for you it would seem
I have a strong belief
That there is a place
That would be your relieft
Then, takes up all your space
************
I can defeat this
It is more than hit and miss
I feel a strong defeat
For a thought that I cannot beat
I know my last thoughts
But this couldn't be caught
He is my reason
To change the season
Will I meet you in heaven
Just count to seven
You are a woman, so strong
There's a part of you that belongs
Your have to further your accomplishment
Somebody else may need to vent
But I just can't beat my mind
That is what I am leaving behind

Haha

I wrote the below four poems in less that half an hour. haha

To another friend times 2

Your life is consumed by your obligations
It is all but organization
You have touched my heart
When it was falling apart
Your smile and laughter brings warmth
To a soul so torn
I wish I could give you joy and peace
And that it would not be a tease.

To another friend

You listen in times of despair
With all your heart, you care
I am grateful for your love
Why was I blessed from up above
This is my desire
That your dreams would soar higher
And all of your nigthmares would disappear
Within you there would no longer be fear