I met with my psychiatrist and nurse yet again today. My aunt came with me this time. My nurse said it seemed that now my aunt and uncle had a better idea of how bad my depression really was after me being with them for a while. My aunt was in tears, she seems to really want me to get better. My grandmother also called in tears, I just hate the heartache and pain I am causing my family. I couldn't keep it inside any longer though.
My psychiatrist prescribed me a heavier dose of medication and gave me a couple of sleeping pills. This should help give me get a good night's sleep for once, as I haven't had one in ages. I am up so many times a night.
I called Leigh's father and informed him that I would be going into the hospital for a few days for a medication adjustment. He agreed to take him for a few days. Later he called and asked how long I would be going in there for. He said that since Leigh started daycare he was going through seperation and said that he said "I want to go drive and see mommy." I explained to him that this was normal and children go through that and that he would be happy with him for a few days.
I'm going to miss Leigh but as usual, I am willing to try to get better for my son. I am supposed to make a list of all of the things that I find stressful and overwhelming in my life for my psychiatrist tomorrow.
I still have to meet with the social worker tomorrow to see if she can get full time daycare for Leigh. Then I have another meeting with my psychiatrist.
I am scared to go in the hospital again because it is a scary place, but I am also relieved to know that I might be able to get the help that I desperately need.
Somehow I don't think that a hospital stay is going to alleviate my problems or help me be able to better take care of Leigh. We will have to see.
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
Last night
Well, I almost took a bottle of pills last night. I stayed up late talking it out with my aunt and uncle, yet I am still here. Now, this evening I feel fine. This really is a chemical inbalance because I can feel one way one minute and differently the next. It's so strange.m
I took Leigh out to play in the snow today. He enjoyed it thoroughly.
I took Leigh out to play in the snow today. He enjoyed it thoroughly.
Merry Christmas Again
Fuck my chemically inbalanced brain. Some times there is just no better word. I am not posting this on Christmas, but saving it rather, for I do not want to upset any body on Christmas.
Here I am on Christmas, surrounded with what is supposed to be the joy of celebrating the birth of Christ. I am not hungry, concerned about finances, or even pre occupied with responsibility. I got lots of lovely gifts, including the new laptop I am writing on. I am in the best situation possible.
Yet, I am forcing myself to stay in the public eye because there is that little part of me that does care even though I couldn't care if I were dead. It is a good thing I am with my aunt and uncle and family. I want so badly to go upstairs and do away with myself. I don't want any body to find me on Christmas. Boxing day, maybe.
I want my son to have his mother, but my inbalance is getting worse, not better. They can medicate me and medicate me and medicate me again, but when it comes right down to it, the thoughts are still there. The thoughts remain the same. They just turn me into a zombie.
My uncle thinks that doctors and lawyers are prescribed something different. He is probably right, for how could a person function with NO ENERGY! How do they expect me to survive as a mom when I'm high out of my tree.
That is, however, not a plan. It's so confusing. Do you think every person that committs suicide has a plan? My feelings are just an over whelming jumble of confusion and chaos in a split second it could be done. The goal is to beat my thought process because God saved my life yet again. Therefore, I must have a larger purpose.
That's a step. Admitting I have a future. If only I believed that all the time.
Here I am on Christmas, surrounded with what is supposed to be the joy of celebrating the birth of Christ. I am not hungry, concerned about finances, or even pre occupied with responsibility. I got lots of lovely gifts, including the new laptop I am writing on. I am in the best situation possible.
Yet, I am forcing myself to stay in the public eye because there is that little part of me that does care even though I couldn't care if I were dead. It is a good thing I am with my aunt and uncle and family. I want so badly to go upstairs and do away with myself. I don't want any body to find me on Christmas. Boxing day, maybe.
I want my son to have his mother, but my inbalance is getting worse, not better. They can medicate me and medicate me and medicate me again, but when it comes right down to it, the thoughts are still there. The thoughts remain the same. They just turn me into a zombie.
My uncle thinks that doctors and lawyers are prescribed something different. He is probably right, for how could a person function with NO ENERGY! How do they expect me to survive as a mom when I'm high out of my tree.
That is, however, not a plan. It's so confusing. Do you think every person that committs suicide has a plan? My feelings are just an over whelming jumble of confusion and chaos in a split second it could be done. The goal is to beat my thought process because God saved my life yet again. Therefore, I must have a larger purpose.
That's a step. Admitting I have a future. If only I believed that all the time.
Sunday, 25 December 2011
Merry Christmas Again
Last night my friend gave me an mp3 player and a gift for Leigh. She asked how I was and I've become so tired of putting on a mask during my teenage years that I had to tell here what was going on. I saw "Jeremy" last night at the Christmas eve service. I love him. I went to his prom when I was fifteen. I want to marry him some time, he is beautiful.
Roger is upset because Acadian Bus Lines is down and his car is not working for winter at the moment. He can't get home to see his family, I feel badly but I am still being babysat. I am thinking about my neighbours and wondering how they are doing. I am giggling to myself thinking about how excited their children must be.
I wonder how Leigh is doing, he is with his father until 1. I am looking forward to seeing him this afternoon although he is going to be busy.
Merry Christmas.
Roger is upset because Acadian Bus Lines is down and his car is not working for winter at the moment. He can't get home to see his family, I feel badly but I am still being babysat. I am thinking about my neighbours and wondering how they are doing. I am giggling to myself thinking about how excited their children must be.
I wonder how Leigh is doing, he is with his father until 1. I am looking forward to seeing him this afternoon although he is going to be busy.
Merry Christmas.
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas to all. I am excited for Ho HO to come. Are you? I am also so tired, and high as a kite. They have medicated me and turned me into a zombie. I haven't stopped sleeping! Stupid Olanzapine. My phone rang and my leg had gone to sleep and I had to drag myself to it on my hands. I also am rediculously hungry. One of the side effects is weight gain, oh boy.
I am too tired to write much else. Merry Christmas to all, hope its a good one. I'm very excited to see Leigh open his gifts.
I am too tired to write much else. Merry Christmas to all, hope its a good one. I'm very excited to see Leigh open his gifts.
Thursday, 22 December 2011
I remember!!
As I was reading "The Quiet Little Woman" by Louisa May Alcott my eyes bulged out of my head! I remember now!! I remember a part of the routes of my problem. I was not really interested in this book, for it was not very imaginative. I thought to myself I needed to read more because it was keeping my mind occupied. I thought about needing an interesting book and I thought I would read something like "Harry Potter." Than I remembered that I am not supposed to read frightening things like that. Than I remembered!! This is when it began. I was ten years old. I read all four of those books in practically one week, and my imagination was more than I could handle! I stopped reading after that because this is where it began.
So is my real problem just my imagination? As far as depression goes, I know I have it. But maybe I'm not schizo, maybe it's really just an over active imagination. Merry Christmas to me, I had a revelation.
So is my real problem just my imagination? As far as depression goes, I know I have it. But maybe I'm not schizo, maybe it's really just an over active imagination. Merry Christmas to me, I had a revelation.
Trying to get better
With the holidays quickly approaching it is important that I get better. It's not as if I can tell my brain "ok, it's Christmas you need to be happy for everybody now." If only I had that kind of control over my mind.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was up several times.
This must just be a long lasting depression, if I can think back to being fifteen walking along the edge of the river contemplating death. I have gone through this for so long now, it is time to kick its ass. I meet my on call psychiatrist today. We will see just how much more they try to drug me. They say that's not their goal but that is 100 percent how I feel.
Sure, they need to keep me safe on a temporary basis but what about long term. Am I going to have a bright future? My heart tells me that I have the gift of imagination. I am not mentally ill, I just get stuck in fantasy. And I can't tell the difference between reality. If I could use my imagination to tell people stories, if only I could put it onto paper in a way that people would want to read it. I have several great stories in my heart, it's writing them that is the problem. I'm too depressed to write them.
Leigh is in daycare today. My aunt had given me a bit of money and I bought my family members some small gifts from the dollar store. It felt nice to wrap them, now I won't feel like a complete goof on Christmas.
I am worried about the day he is not going to be in daycare. I wish I had my stroller here, I would take him for a loooooong walk. I don't know what I'm going to do in this house that is not child proofed. It is going to be a long day. I miss my son when he is not with me though, I am glad he enjoys himself at daycare. I did infact need this break. It's being alone with a break that often frightens me.
I also want to touch base on something. If reading this bothers you, upsets you, makes you feel uncomfortable in any way than please don't. I only want happiness for everybody. Blogging is just therapeutic and I don't think I would do it if I only had a pen and paper. I also think if there was somebody else going through what I go through that they could benefit from it.
Thank you to those who have been here for me in any way.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was up several times.
This must just be a long lasting depression, if I can think back to being fifteen walking along the edge of the river contemplating death. I have gone through this for so long now, it is time to kick its ass. I meet my on call psychiatrist today. We will see just how much more they try to drug me. They say that's not their goal but that is 100 percent how I feel.
Sure, they need to keep me safe on a temporary basis but what about long term. Am I going to have a bright future? My heart tells me that I have the gift of imagination. I am not mentally ill, I just get stuck in fantasy. And I can't tell the difference between reality. If I could use my imagination to tell people stories, if only I could put it onto paper in a way that people would want to read it. I have several great stories in my heart, it's writing them that is the problem. I'm too depressed to write them.
Leigh is in daycare today. My aunt had given me a bit of money and I bought my family members some small gifts from the dollar store. It felt nice to wrap them, now I won't feel like a complete goof on Christmas.
I am worried about the day he is not going to be in daycare. I wish I had my stroller here, I would take him for a loooooong walk. I don't know what I'm going to do in this house that is not child proofed. It is going to be a long day. I miss my son when he is not with me though, I am glad he enjoys himself at daycare. I did infact need this break. It's being alone with a break that often frightens me.
I also want to touch base on something. If reading this bothers you, upsets you, makes you feel uncomfortable in any way than please don't. I only want happiness for everybody. Blogging is just therapeutic and I don't think I would do it if I only had a pen and paper. I also think if there was somebody else going through what I go through that they could benefit from it.
Thank you to those who have been here for me in any way.
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
A new Day
It was one of my worse days yesterday. I am staying with my aunt now. My thoughts remain the same, I am just safe. I met with my nurse today and she really was concerned. She told me she had to make sure I was safe and if I didn't want to go to the hospital I had to stay with my aunt. Fair enough.
I wish I could be normal. My nurse tells me I can beat this and that things will get better. I just need to tell myself that. She went through her own separation and she herself takes a little anti depressant. She thinks I've been depressed for a long time. I'm supposed to tell myself that things will get better. It's so hard to convince myself that I have more to live for.
My son was always enough, but not anymore. My nurse mentioned that I could end up with brain damage and I don't want that. I know that for a fact, what would be the point then. My son needs me to beat this.
I also have some very supportive friends and family, and thank you to those that were there for me at my highest low. Without you guys I would not have made it through this. I still wish that my thoughts would be balanced and not clouded daily with depressing thoughts.
I wish I could be normal. My nurse tells me I can beat this and that things will get better. I just need to tell myself that. She went through her own separation and she herself takes a little anti depressant. She thinks I've been depressed for a long time. I'm supposed to tell myself that things will get better. It's so hard to convince myself that I have more to live for.
My son was always enough, but not anymore. My nurse mentioned that I could end up with brain damage and I don't want that. I know that for a fact, what would be the point then. My son needs me to beat this.
I also have some very supportive friends and family, and thank you to those that were there for me at my highest low. Without you guys I would not have made it through this. I still wish that my thoughts would be balanced and not clouded daily with depressing thoughts.
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
More poems to consume my thoughts
Just before I write these out I should share a little bit of my evening and morning. I go to sleep with suicide ideation. I wake up with suicide ideation. There is no thought that consumes my mind enough to over power my damaging thoughts. Am I one day going to be like those who wonder lost around the city streets searching for their hero to ride in and save the day? Or am I going to beat this now? The time is now, but only I can determine how badly I want to beat this.
The problem is that I have to want to want to beat this. I do want to beat it, for my son. Other than that... I just don't want to beat it. I picture myself strangled on my bedside, but God must have a purpose for my life. He did save it, several times already.
If I ever wind up dead, I'm okay with this stuff getting out, but if you make any money I want it to go to my son's education. I really don't know who else should get my money.
Your like rain on a summers day
You know when to darken my ray
You help my crop grow
When they are at their highest low
You show up when I have no desire
Your down poor takes me higher
I wish for you on darker nights
Your always in my hearts sight
My soul dances at your shower
You possess that power
Thank you for listening with your heart
When mine was torn apart.
***********
I have a strong desire
That there is a power
That would take you higher
Than the highest tower
I have a strong passion
That there is a dream
That would stronger than the waves crashing
Then, for you it would seem
I have a strong belief
That there is a place
That would be your relieft
Then, takes up all your space
************
I can defeat this
It is more than hit and miss
I feel a strong defeat
For a thought that I cannot beat
I know my last thoughts
But this couldn't be caught
He is my reason
To change the season
Will I meet you in heaven
Just count to seven
You are a woman, so strong
There's a part of you that belongs
Your have to further your accomplishment
Somebody else may need to vent
But I just can't beat my mind
That is what I am leaving behind
The problem is that I have to want to want to beat this. I do want to beat it, for my son. Other than that... I just don't want to beat it. I picture myself strangled on my bedside, but God must have a purpose for my life. He did save it, several times already.
If I ever wind up dead, I'm okay with this stuff getting out, but if you make any money I want it to go to my son's education. I really don't know who else should get my money.
Your like rain on a summers day
You know when to darken my ray
You help my crop grow
When they are at their highest low
You show up when I have no desire
Your down poor takes me higher
I wish for you on darker nights
Your always in my hearts sight
My soul dances at your shower
You possess that power
Thank you for listening with your heart
When mine was torn apart.
***********
I have a strong desire
That there is a power
That would take you higher
Than the highest tower
I have a strong passion
That there is a dream
That would stronger than the waves crashing
Then, for you it would seem
I have a strong belief
That there is a place
That would be your relieft
Then, takes up all your space
************
I can defeat this
It is more than hit and miss
I feel a strong defeat
For a thought that I cannot beat
I know my last thoughts
But this couldn't be caught
He is my reason
To change the season
Will I meet you in heaven
Just count to seven
You are a woman, so strong
There's a part of you that belongs
Your have to further your accomplishment
Somebody else may need to vent
But I just can't beat my mind
That is what I am leaving behind
Monday, 19 December 2011
To another friend times 2
Your life is consumed by your obligations
It is all but organization
You have touched my heart
When it was falling apart
Your smile and laughter brings warmth
To a soul so torn
I wish I could give you joy and peace
And that it would not be a tease.
It is all but organization
You have touched my heart
When it was falling apart
Your smile and laughter brings warmth
To a soul so torn
I wish I could give you joy and peace
And that it would not be a tease.
To another friend
You listen in times of despair
With all your heart, you care
I am grateful for your love
Why was I blessed from up above
This is my desire
That your dreams would soar higher
And all of your nigthmares would disappear
Within you there would no longer be fear
With all your heart, you care
I am grateful for your love
Why was I blessed from up above
This is my desire
That your dreams would soar higher
And all of your nigthmares would disappear
Within you there would no longer be fear
A letter to a friend
You have a heart of gold
Even though you are old
You would give away the moon
To any old goon
It is my hope and prayer
Which is oh-too-rare
That you get your Christmas wish
I know it is on my list.
Even though you are old
You would give away the moon
To any old goon
It is my hope and prayer
Which is oh-too-rare
That you get your Christmas wish
I know it is on my list.
Poem
My son; you give me a reason
To battle my interior demon
My friends; you are there in hardship
You have shown me true friendship
My family; you are my strength
When I cannot go the length
My special friend; you have been my support
We have built strong rapport
My counsellor; you have listened with your heart
When mine was torn apart
My nurse; you go above and beyond
To help me feel like I belong
My psychiatrist, you have cared
For a life unprepared
My God; for loving me through it all
And for picking me up when I fall
Thank you all for giving me hope
Pray that I can cope.
To battle my interior demon
My friends; you are there in hardship
You have shown me true friendship
My family; you are my strength
When I cannot go the length
My special friend; you have been my support
We have built strong rapport
My counsellor; you have listened with your heart
When mine was torn apart
My nurse; you go above and beyond
To help me feel like I belong
My psychiatrist, you have cared
For a life unprepared
My God; for loving me through it all
And for picking me up when I fall
Thank you all for giving me hope
Pray that I can cope.
More thoughts
I still haven't gotten all of my thoughts that I think happened that didn't really happen.
So here we go again
1)I'm pretty sure I burst into song in a therapy session. I'm not even kidding. Schizo, anybody?
2)I slammed my fist down on the table and hollered and screamed alot...
3)I remember running and flying and the police officer catching me and me saying "did you see that, you didn't see that, I mean good luck proving it when you are the only one who saw it" I think this is a symbolization of around the time I was living with that family whose father often would say sexual things to me and walk in on me in the bathroom. He never touched, but he mentally damaged me.
4)I remember one of the sisters in that family sitting down on my bed and reading me a Bible verse and that night her father came in and ...erm... well you know... And then the whole family was in there and was like "welcome to the family" creeperz...
5)The brother stole money from me, I know this is true
6)I remember seeing...guess who.... sitting working with the brother and tying my shoe afterwards for being really annoyed.
So here we go again
1)I'm pretty sure I burst into song in a therapy session. I'm not even kidding. Schizo, anybody?
2)I slammed my fist down on the table and hollered and screamed alot...
3)I remember running and flying and the police officer catching me and me saying "did you see that, you didn't see that, I mean good luck proving it when you are the only one who saw it" I think this is a symbolization of around the time I was living with that family whose father often would say sexual things to me and walk in on me in the bathroom. He never touched, but he mentally damaged me.
4)I remember one of the sisters in that family sitting down on my bed and reading me a Bible verse and that night her father came in and ...erm... well you know... And then the whole family was in there and was like "welcome to the family" creeperz...
5)The brother stole money from me, I know this is true
6)I remember seeing...guess who.... sitting working with the brother and tying my shoe afterwards for being really annoyed.
Leigh's first day at daycare
So far I have swept and mopped my floors, windexed and done laundry. My mind is wandering and getting occupied with thoughts of death. Being alone with my thoughts is going to be damaging. I need to be doing something. I can't wait till my nurse calls me so she can tell me what I can be doing, maybe she will have a course I can take. I hope so. I didn't want to at first, thinking how enjoyable time to myself might be, but it's making me crazy.
I bet Leigh is having a great day at daycare though and that is important to me. I think Sherry said she was coming over at somee point today, so I will think of that. Something positive to ocupy my brain...maybe Ill go watch tv.
I bet Leigh is having a great day at daycare though and that is important to me. I think Sherry said she was coming over at somee point today, so I will think of that. Something positive to ocupy my brain...maybe Ill go watch tv.
Saturday, 17 December 2011
more thoughts
1) I told my youth pastor I needed my counsellor to fix my head...
2)I shot about 100 ft basketball shot and scored at youth group. Ya right, lol.
3)I know I asked her what her name was...twice...at least that one did happen.
4)She sat right down and told me I had PTSD at youth group.
5)I didn't like her very much the first couple counselling sessions, I think I sat down and told her there was something wrong with my head and I needed her to fix it.
6)I think I shot an imaginary basketball into the air in a session...eff my life lol
7)I'm pretty sure I told her she didn't have to settle...if this really didn't happen I cannot believe I am going to go through the embarassment of telling her this for real.
8)My uncle was Adolf Hitler's grandson. His son was my uncles father and they relocated to Canada.
9)The bodies from the war were found in Gagetown.
That's all I have for now...
2)I shot about 100 ft basketball shot and scored at youth group. Ya right, lol.
3)I know I asked her what her name was...twice...at least that one did happen.
4)She sat right down and told me I had PTSD at youth group.
5)I didn't like her very much the first couple counselling sessions, I think I sat down and told her there was something wrong with my head and I needed her to fix it.
6)I think I shot an imaginary basketball into the air in a session...eff my life lol
7)I'm pretty sure I told her she didn't have to settle...if this really didn't happen I cannot believe I am going to go through the embarassment of telling her this for real.
8)My uncle was Adolf Hitler's grandson. His son was my uncles father and they relocated to Canada.
9)The bodies from the war were found in Gagetown.
That's all I have for now...
Friday, 16 December 2011
More crazy thoughts..
Now to finish my list... well it probably won't be finishing it because I keep on remembering knew things.
Well I also told my therapist I google searched her and through my own embarassment made her laugh, so good. Anyways on to my list...
1)I remember giving birth on the side of the road on my way to some thing with my aunt and uncle. We did a detour as I said that I cant tell what I cant remember and if I just said I was going to visit a friend that is what I would be remembering. I was fifteen but the man who delivered my baby was to be my boyfriend when I was seventeen. He delivered my baby on the side of the road and he was going to raise it as his own. I kissed my baby boy good bye and told him I would find him someday.
2) I went on a cross state trip and wrote Tupac's song "brenda's got a baby" describing my mothers rape and leaving me the baby in a trash bag somewheres. My aunt and uncle also kidnapped Caylee Anthony and raised her as their own. I handed Caisee Anthony a note saying that she needed to plead guilty or her daughter would die.
3)I asked the guy from Brooks and Dunn to dance with me and wrote one of his songs.
4)My aunt and uncle kidnapped kids and held them hostage and buried them in their yard. They also held satanic rituals in their basements.
5)I had one more baby that was given to my bio dad and raised as my sister.
6)I had that abortion when I was ten but never wanted to have another one so I just asked them to give them up to people.
7)I remember being in the doctors office and her asking me what the weather was in one room when I couldnt see it. I said raining. It was when we checked. Then it was sunny and I said so. And it was.
Well I also told my therapist I google searched her and through my own embarassment made her laugh, so good. Anyways on to my list...
1)I remember giving birth on the side of the road on my way to some thing with my aunt and uncle. We did a detour as I said that I cant tell what I cant remember and if I just said I was going to visit a friend that is what I would be remembering. I was fifteen but the man who delivered my baby was to be my boyfriend when I was seventeen. He delivered my baby on the side of the road and he was going to raise it as his own. I kissed my baby boy good bye and told him I would find him someday.
2) I went on a cross state trip and wrote Tupac's song "brenda's got a baby" describing my mothers rape and leaving me the baby in a trash bag somewheres. My aunt and uncle also kidnapped Caylee Anthony and raised her as their own. I handed Caisee Anthony a note saying that she needed to plead guilty or her daughter would die.
3)I asked the guy from Brooks and Dunn to dance with me and wrote one of his songs.
4)My aunt and uncle kidnapped kids and held them hostage and buried them in their yard. They also held satanic rituals in their basements.
5)I had one more baby that was given to my bio dad and raised as my sister.
6)I had that abortion when I was ten but never wanted to have another one so I just asked them to give them up to people.
7)I remember being in the doctors office and her asking me what the weather was in one room when I couldnt see it. I said raining. It was when we checked. Then it was sunny and I said so. And it was.
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