I met with my psychiatrist and nurse yet again today. My aunt came with me this time. My nurse said it seemed that now my aunt and uncle had a better idea of how bad my depression really was after me being with them for a while. My aunt was in tears, she seems to really want me to get better. My grandmother also called in tears, I just hate the heartache and pain I am causing my family. I couldn't keep it inside any longer though.
My psychiatrist prescribed me a heavier dose of medication and gave me a couple of sleeping pills. This should help give me get a good night's sleep for once, as I haven't had one in ages. I am up so many times a night.
I called Leigh's father and informed him that I would be going into the hospital for a few days for a medication adjustment. He agreed to take him for a few days. Later he called and asked how long I would be going in there for. He said that since Leigh started daycare he was going through seperation and said that he said "I want to go drive and see mommy." I explained to him that this was normal and children go through that and that he would be happy with him for a few days.
I'm going to miss Leigh but as usual, I am willing to try to get better for my son. I am supposed to make a list of all of the things that I find stressful and overwhelming in my life for my psychiatrist tomorrow.
I still have to meet with the social worker tomorrow to see if she can get full time daycare for Leigh. Then I have another meeting with my psychiatrist.
I am scared to go in the hospital again because it is a scary place, but I am also relieved to know that I might be able to get the help that I desperately need.
Somehow I don't think that a hospital stay is going to alleviate my problems or help me be able to better take care of Leigh. We will have to see.
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
Last night
Well, I almost took a bottle of pills last night. I stayed up late talking it out with my aunt and uncle, yet I am still here. Now, this evening I feel fine. This really is a chemical inbalance because I can feel one way one minute and differently the next. It's so strange.m
I took Leigh out to play in the snow today. He enjoyed it thoroughly.
I took Leigh out to play in the snow today. He enjoyed it thoroughly.
Merry Christmas Again
Fuck my chemically inbalanced brain. Some times there is just no better word. I am not posting this on Christmas, but saving it rather, for I do not want to upset any body on Christmas.
Here I am on Christmas, surrounded with what is supposed to be the joy of celebrating the birth of Christ. I am not hungry, concerned about finances, or even pre occupied with responsibility. I got lots of lovely gifts, including the new laptop I am writing on. I am in the best situation possible.
Yet, I am forcing myself to stay in the public eye because there is that little part of me that does care even though I couldn't care if I were dead. It is a good thing I am with my aunt and uncle and family. I want so badly to go upstairs and do away with myself. I don't want any body to find me on Christmas. Boxing day, maybe.
I want my son to have his mother, but my inbalance is getting worse, not better. They can medicate me and medicate me and medicate me again, but when it comes right down to it, the thoughts are still there. The thoughts remain the same. They just turn me into a zombie.
My uncle thinks that doctors and lawyers are prescribed something different. He is probably right, for how could a person function with NO ENERGY! How do they expect me to survive as a mom when I'm high out of my tree.
That is, however, not a plan. It's so confusing. Do you think every person that committs suicide has a plan? My feelings are just an over whelming jumble of confusion and chaos in a split second it could be done. The goal is to beat my thought process because God saved my life yet again. Therefore, I must have a larger purpose.
That's a step. Admitting I have a future. If only I believed that all the time.
Here I am on Christmas, surrounded with what is supposed to be the joy of celebrating the birth of Christ. I am not hungry, concerned about finances, or even pre occupied with responsibility. I got lots of lovely gifts, including the new laptop I am writing on. I am in the best situation possible.
Yet, I am forcing myself to stay in the public eye because there is that little part of me that does care even though I couldn't care if I were dead. It is a good thing I am with my aunt and uncle and family. I want so badly to go upstairs and do away with myself. I don't want any body to find me on Christmas. Boxing day, maybe.
I want my son to have his mother, but my inbalance is getting worse, not better. They can medicate me and medicate me and medicate me again, but when it comes right down to it, the thoughts are still there. The thoughts remain the same. They just turn me into a zombie.
My uncle thinks that doctors and lawyers are prescribed something different. He is probably right, for how could a person function with NO ENERGY! How do they expect me to survive as a mom when I'm high out of my tree.
That is, however, not a plan. It's so confusing. Do you think every person that committs suicide has a plan? My feelings are just an over whelming jumble of confusion and chaos in a split second it could be done. The goal is to beat my thought process because God saved my life yet again. Therefore, I must have a larger purpose.
That's a step. Admitting I have a future. If only I believed that all the time.
Sunday, 25 December 2011
Merry Christmas Again
Last night my friend gave me an mp3 player and a gift for Leigh. She asked how I was and I've become so tired of putting on a mask during my teenage years that I had to tell here what was going on. I saw "Jeremy" last night at the Christmas eve service. I love him. I went to his prom when I was fifteen. I want to marry him some time, he is beautiful.
Roger is upset because Acadian Bus Lines is down and his car is not working for winter at the moment. He can't get home to see his family, I feel badly but I am still being babysat. I am thinking about my neighbours and wondering how they are doing. I am giggling to myself thinking about how excited their children must be.
I wonder how Leigh is doing, he is with his father until 1. I am looking forward to seeing him this afternoon although he is going to be busy.
Merry Christmas.
Roger is upset because Acadian Bus Lines is down and his car is not working for winter at the moment. He can't get home to see his family, I feel badly but I am still being babysat. I am thinking about my neighbours and wondering how they are doing. I am giggling to myself thinking about how excited their children must be.
I wonder how Leigh is doing, he is with his father until 1. I am looking forward to seeing him this afternoon although he is going to be busy.
Merry Christmas.
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas to all. I am excited for Ho HO to come. Are you? I am also so tired, and high as a kite. They have medicated me and turned me into a zombie. I haven't stopped sleeping! Stupid Olanzapine. My phone rang and my leg had gone to sleep and I had to drag myself to it on my hands. I also am rediculously hungry. One of the side effects is weight gain, oh boy.
I am too tired to write much else. Merry Christmas to all, hope its a good one. I'm very excited to see Leigh open his gifts.
I am too tired to write much else. Merry Christmas to all, hope its a good one. I'm very excited to see Leigh open his gifts.
Thursday, 22 December 2011
I remember!!
As I was reading "The Quiet Little Woman" by Louisa May Alcott my eyes bulged out of my head! I remember now!! I remember a part of the routes of my problem. I was not really interested in this book, for it was not very imaginative. I thought to myself I needed to read more because it was keeping my mind occupied. I thought about needing an interesting book and I thought I would read something like "Harry Potter." Than I remembered that I am not supposed to read frightening things like that. Than I remembered!! This is when it began. I was ten years old. I read all four of those books in practically one week, and my imagination was more than I could handle! I stopped reading after that because this is where it began.
So is my real problem just my imagination? As far as depression goes, I know I have it. But maybe I'm not schizo, maybe it's really just an over active imagination. Merry Christmas to me, I had a revelation.
So is my real problem just my imagination? As far as depression goes, I know I have it. But maybe I'm not schizo, maybe it's really just an over active imagination. Merry Christmas to me, I had a revelation.
Trying to get better
With the holidays quickly approaching it is important that I get better. It's not as if I can tell my brain "ok, it's Christmas you need to be happy for everybody now." If only I had that kind of control over my mind.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was up several times.
This must just be a long lasting depression, if I can think back to being fifteen walking along the edge of the river contemplating death. I have gone through this for so long now, it is time to kick its ass. I meet my on call psychiatrist today. We will see just how much more they try to drug me. They say that's not their goal but that is 100 percent how I feel.
Sure, they need to keep me safe on a temporary basis but what about long term. Am I going to have a bright future? My heart tells me that I have the gift of imagination. I am not mentally ill, I just get stuck in fantasy. And I can't tell the difference between reality. If I could use my imagination to tell people stories, if only I could put it onto paper in a way that people would want to read it. I have several great stories in my heart, it's writing them that is the problem. I'm too depressed to write them.
Leigh is in daycare today. My aunt had given me a bit of money and I bought my family members some small gifts from the dollar store. It felt nice to wrap them, now I won't feel like a complete goof on Christmas.
I am worried about the day he is not going to be in daycare. I wish I had my stroller here, I would take him for a loooooong walk. I don't know what I'm going to do in this house that is not child proofed. It is going to be a long day. I miss my son when he is not with me though, I am glad he enjoys himself at daycare. I did infact need this break. It's being alone with a break that often frightens me.
I also want to touch base on something. If reading this bothers you, upsets you, makes you feel uncomfortable in any way than please don't. I only want happiness for everybody. Blogging is just therapeutic and I don't think I would do it if I only had a pen and paper. I also think if there was somebody else going through what I go through that they could benefit from it.
Thank you to those who have been here for me in any way.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was up several times.
This must just be a long lasting depression, if I can think back to being fifteen walking along the edge of the river contemplating death. I have gone through this for so long now, it is time to kick its ass. I meet my on call psychiatrist today. We will see just how much more they try to drug me. They say that's not their goal but that is 100 percent how I feel.
Sure, they need to keep me safe on a temporary basis but what about long term. Am I going to have a bright future? My heart tells me that I have the gift of imagination. I am not mentally ill, I just get stuck in fantasy. And I can't tell the difference between reality. If I could use my imagination to tell people stories, if only I could put it onto paper in a way that people would want to read it. I have several great stories in my heart, it's writing them that is the problem. I'm too depressed to write them.
Leigh is in daycare today. My aunt had given me a bit of money and I bought my family members some small gifts from the dollar store. It felt nice to wrap them, now I won't feel like a complete goof on Christmas.
I am worried about the day he is not going to be in daycare. I wish I had my stroller here, I would take him for a loooooong walk. I don't know what I'm going to do in this house that is not child proofed. It is going to be a long day. I miss my son when he is not with me though, I am glad he enjoys himself at daycare. I did infact need this break. It's being alone with a break that often frightens me.
I also want to touch base on something. If reading this bothers you, upsets you, makes you feel uncomfortable in any way than please don't. I only want happiness for everybody. Blogging is just therapeutic and I don't think I would do it if I only had a pen and paper. I also think if there was somebody else going through what I go through that they could benefit from it.
Thank you to those who have been here for me in any way.
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
A new Day
It was one of my worse days yesterday. I am staying with my aunt now. My thoughts remain the same, I am just safe. I met with my nurse today and she really was concerned. She told me she had to make sure I was safe and if I didn't want to go to the hospital I had to stay with my aunt. Fair enough.
I wish I could be normal. My nurse tells me I can beat this and that things will get better. I just need to tell myself that. She went through her own separation and she herself takes a little anti depressant. She thinks I've been depressed for a long time. I'm supposed to tell myself that things will get better. It's so hard to convince myself that I have more to live for.
My son was always enough, but not anymore. My nurse mentioned that I could end up with brain damage and I don't want that. I know that for a fact, what would be the point then. My son needs me to beat this.
I also have some very supportive friends and family, and thank you to those that were there for me at my highest low. Without you guys I would not have made it through this. I still wish that my thoughts would be balanced and not clouded daily with depressing thoughts.
I wish I could be normal. My nurse tells me I can beat this and that things will get better. I just need to tell myself that. She went through her own separation and she herself takes a little anti depressant. She thinks I've been depressed for a long time. I'm supposed to tell myself that things will get better. It's so hard to convince myself that I have more to live for.
My son was always enough, but not anymore. My nurse mentioned that I could end up with brain damage and I don't want that. I know that for a fact, what would be the point then. My son needs me to beat this.
I also have some very supportive friends and family, and thank you to those that were there for me at my highest low. Without you guys I would not have made it through this. I still wish that my thoughts would be balanced and not clouded daily with depressing thoughts.
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
More poems to consume my thoughts
Just before I write these out I should share a little bit of my evening and morning. I go to sleep with suicide ideation. I wake up with suicide ideation. There is no thought that consumes my mind enough to over power my damaging thoughts. Am I one day going to be like those who wonder lost around the city streets searching for their hero to ride in and save the day? Or am I going to beat this now? The time is now, but only I can determine how badly I want to beat this.
The problem is that I have to want to want to beat this. I do want to beat it, for my son. Other than that... I just don't want to beat it. I picture myself strangled on my bedside, but God must have a purpose for my life. He did save it, several times already.
If I ever wind up dead, I'm okay with this stuff getting out, but if you make any money I want it to go to my son's education. I really don't know who else should get my money.
Your like rain on a summers day
You know when to darken my ray
You help my crop grow
When they are at their highest low
You show up when I have no desire
Your down poor takes me higher
I wish for you on darker nights
Your always in my hearts sight
My soul dances at your shower
You possess that power
Thank you for listening with your heart
When mine was torn apart.
***********
I have a strong desire
That there is a power
That would take you higher
Than the highest tower
I have a strong passion
That there is a dream
That would stronger than the waves crashing
Then, for you it would seem
I have a strong belief
That there is a place
That would be your relieft
Then, takes up all your space
************
I can defeat this
It is more than hit and miss
I feel a strong defeat
For a thought that I cannot beat
I know my last thoughts
But this couldn't be caught
He is my reason
To change the season
Will I meet you in heaven
Just count to seven
You are a woman, so strong
There's a part of you that belongs
Your have to further your accomplishment
Somebody else may need to vent
But I just can't beat my mind
That is what I am leaving behind
The problem is that I have to want to want to beat this. I do want to beat it, for my son. Other than that... I just don't want to beat it. I picture myself strangled on my bedside, but God must have a purpose for my life. He did save it, several times already.
If I ever wind up dead, I'm okay with this stuff getting out, but if you make any money I want it to go to my son's education. I really don't know who else should get my money.
Your like rain on a summers day
You know when to darken my ray
You help my crop grow
When they are at their highest low
You show up when I have no desire
Your down poor takes me higher
I wish for you on darker nights
Your always in my hearts sight
My soul dances at your shower
You possess that power
Thank you for listening with your heart
When mine was torn apart.
***********
I have a strong desire
That there is a power
That would take you higher
Than the highest tower
I have a strong passion
That there is a dream
That would stronger than the waves crashing
Then, for you it would seem
I have a strong belief
That there is a place
That would be your relieft
Then, takes up all your space
************
I can defeat this
It is more than hit and miss
I feel a strong defeat
For a thought that I cannot beat
I know my last thoughts
But this couldn't be caught
He is my reason
To change the season
Will I meet you in heaven
Just count to seven
You are a woman, so strong
There's a part of you that belongs
Your have to further your accomplishment
Somebody else may need to vent
But I just can't beat my mind
That is what I am leaving behind
Monday, 19 December 2011
To another friend times 2
Your life is consumed by your obligations
It is all but organization
You have touched my heart
When it was falling apart
Your smile and laughter brings warmth
To a soul so torn
I wish I could give you joy and peace
And that it would not be a tease.
It is all but organization
You have touched my heart
When it was falling apart
Your smile and laughter brings warmth
To a soul so torn
I wish I could give you joy and peace
And that it would not be a tease.
To another friend
You listen in times of despair
With all your heart, you care
I am grateful for your love
Why was I blessed from up above
This is my desire
That your dreams would soar higher
And all of your nigthmares would disappear
Within you there would no longer be fear
With all your heart, you care
I am grateful for your love
Why was I blessed from up above
This is my desire
That your dreams would soar higher
And all of your nigthmares would disappear
Within you there would no longer be fear
A letter to a friend
You have a heart of gold
Even though you are old
You would give away the moon
To any old goon
It is my hope and prayer
Which is oh-too-rare
That you get your Christmas wish
I know it is on my list.
Even though you are old
You would give away the moon
To any old goon
It is my hope and prayer
Which is oh-too-rare
That you get your Christmas wish
I know it is on my list.
Poem
My son; you give me a reason
To battle my interior demon
My friends; you are there in hardship
You have shown me true friendship
My family; you are my strength
When I cannot go the length
My special friend; you have been my support
We have built strong rapport
My counsellor; you have listened with your heart
When mine was torn apart
My nurse; you go above and beyond
To help me feel like I belong
My psychiatrist, you have cared
For a life unprepared
My God; for loving me through it all
And for picking me up when I fall
Thank you all for giving me hope
Pray that I can cope.
To battle my interior demon
My friends; you are there in hardship
You have shown me true friendship
My family; you are my strength
When I cannot go the length
My special friend; you have been my support
We have built strong rapport
My counsellor; you have listened with your heart
When mine was torn apart
My nurse; you go above and beyond
To help me feel like I belong
My psychiatrist, you have cared
For a life unprepared
My God; for loving me through it all
And for picking me up when I fall
Thank you all for giving me hope
Pray that I can cope.
More thoughts
I still haven't gotten all of my thoughts that I think happened that didn't really happen.
So here we go again
1)I'm pretty sure I burst into song in a therapy session. I'm not even kidding. Schizo, anybody?
2)I slammed my fist down on the table and hollered and screamed alot...
3)I remember running and flying and the police officer catching me and me saying "did you see that, you didn't see that, I mean good luck proving it when you are the only one who saw it" I think this is a symbolization of around the time I was living with that family whose father often would say sexual things to me and walk in on me in the bathroom. He never touched, but he mentally damaged me.
4)I remember one of the sisters in that family sitting down on my bed and reading me a Bible verse and that night her father came in and ...erm... well you know... And then the whole family was in there and was like "welcome to the family" creeperz...
5)The brother stole money from me, I know this is true
6)I remember seeing...guess who.... sitting working with the brother and tying my shoe afterwards for being really annoyed.
So here we go again
1)I'm pretty sure I burst into song in a therapy session. I'm not even kidding. Schizo, anybody?
2)I slammed my fist down on the table and hollered and screamed alot...
3)I remember running and flying and the police officer catching me and me saying "did you see that, you didn't see that, I mean good luck proving it when you are the only one who saw it" I think this is a symbolization of around the time I was living with that family whose father often would say sexual things to me and walk in on me in the bathroom. He never touched, but he mentally damaged me.
4)I remember one of the sisters in that family sitting down on my bed and reading me a Bible verse and that night her father came in and ...erm... well you know... And then the whole family was in there and was like "welcome to the family" creeperz...
5)The brother stole money from me, I know this is true
6)I remember seeing...guess who.... sitting working with the brother and tying my shoe afterwards for being really annoyed.
Leigh's first day at daycare
So far I have swept and mopped my floors, windexed and done laundry. My mind is wandering and getting occupied with thoughts of death. Being alone with my thoughts is going to be damaging. I need to be doing something. I can't wait till my nurse calls me so she can tell me what I can be doing, maybe she will have a course I can take. I hope so. I didn't want to at first, thinking how enjoyable time to myself might be, but it's making me crazy.
I bet Leigh is having a great day at daycare though and that is important to me. I think Sherry said she was coming over at somee point today, so I will think of that. Something positive to ocupy my brain...maybe Ill go watch tv.
I bet Leigh is having a great day at daycare though and that is important to me. I think Sherry said she was coming over at somee point today, so I will think of that. Something positive to ocupy my brain...maybe Ill go watch tv.
Saturday, 17 December 2011
more thoughts
1) I told my youth pastor I needed my counsellor to fix my head...
2)I shot about 100 ft basketball shot and scored at youth group. Ya right, lol.
3)I know I asked her what her name was...twice...at least that one did happen.
4)She sat right down and told me I had PTSD at youth group.
5)I didn't like her very much the first couple counselling sessions, I think I sat down and told her there was something wrong with my head and I needed her to fix it.
6)I think I shot an imaginary basketball into the air in a session...eff my life lol
7)I'm pretty sure I told her she didn't have to settle...if this really didn't happen I cannot believe I am going to go through the embarassment of telling her this for real.
8)My uncle was Adolf Hitler's grandson. His son was my uncles father and they relocated to Canada.
9)The bodies from the war were found in Gagetown.
That's all I have for now...
2)I shot about 100 ft basketball shot and scored at youth group. Ya right, lol.
3)I know I asked her what her name was...twice...at least that one did happen.
4)She sat right down and told me I had PTSD at youth group.
5)I didn't like her very much the first couple counselling sessions, I think I sat down and told her there was something wrong with my head and I needed her to fix it.
6)I think I shot an imaginary basketball into the air in a session...eff my life lol
7)I'm pretty sure I told her she didn't have to settle...if this really didn't happen I cannot believe I am going to go through the embarassment of telling her this for real.
8)My uncle was Adolf Hitler's grandson. His son was my uncles father and they relocated to Canada.
9)The bodies from the war were found in Gagetown.
That's all I have for now...
Friday, 16 December 2011
More crazy thoughts..
Now to finish my list... well it probably won't be finishing it because I keep on remembering knew things.
Well I also told my therapist I google searched her and through my own embarassment made her laugh, so good. Anyways on to my list...
1)I remember giving birth on the side of the road on my way to some thing with my aunt and uncle. We did a detour as I said that I cant tell what I cant remember and if I just said I was going to visit a friend that is what I would be remembering. I was fifteen but the man who delivered my baby was to be my boyfriend when I was seventeen. He delivered my baby on the side of the road and he was going to raise it as his own. I kissed my baby boy good bye and told him I would find him someday.
2) I went on a cross state trip and wrote Tupac's song "brenda's got a baby" describing my mothers rape and leaving me the baby in a trash bag somewheres. My aunt and uncle also kidnapped Caylee Anthony and raised her as their own. I handed Caisee Anthony a note saying that she needed to plead guilty or her daughter would die.
3)I asked the guy from Brooks and Dunn to dance with me and wrote one of his songs.
4)My aunt and uncle kidnapped kids and held them hostage and buried them in their yard. They also held satanic rituals in their basements.
5)I had one more baby that was given to my bio dad and raised as my sister.
6)I had that abortion when I was ten but never wanted to have another one so I just asked them to give them up to people.
7)I remember being in the doctors office and her asking me what the weather was in one room when I couldnt see it. I said raining. It was when we checked. Then it was sunny and I said so. And it was.
Well I also told my therapist I google searched her and through my own embarassment made her laugh, so good. Anyways on to my list...
1)I remember giving birth on the side of the road on my way to some thing with my aunt and uncle. We did a detour as I said that I cant tell what I cant remember and if I just said I was going to visit a friend that is what I would be remembering. I was fifteen but the man who delivered my baby was to be my boyfriend when I was seventeen. He delivered my baby on the side of the road and he was going to raise it as his own. I kissed my baby boy good bye and told him I would find him someday.
2) I went on a cross state trip and wrote Tupac's song "brenda's got a baby" describing my mothers rape and leaving me the baby in a trash bag somewheres. My aunt and uncle also kidnapped Caylee Anthony and raised her as their own. I handed Caisee Anthony a note saying that she needed to plead guilty or her daughter would die.
3)I asked the guy from Brooks and Dunn to dance with me and wrote one of his songs.
4)My aunt and uncle kidnapped kids and held them hostage and buried them in their yard. They also held satanic rituals in their basements.
5)I had one more baby that was given to my bio dad and raised as my sister.
6)I had that abortion when I was ten but never wanted to have another one so I just asked them to give them up to people.
7)I remember being in the doctors office and her asking me what the weather was in one room when I couldnt see it. I said raining. It was when we checked. Then it was sunny and I said so. And it was.
Thursday, 15 December 2011
My dream
My dream is to make it big and to help all those who have helped me in my battles along the way. It's my dream to stay grounded and not get big headed no matter what happens in my life. I need to always remember when times are tough, so that when times are easy I am there for those who are where I once was at.
Does that sound like I'm hoping for a better future?
Does that sound like I'm hoping for a better future?
therapy today, and yesterday
My psychiatry appointment went well yesterday. They are keeping me on the same medications as I've been on. My therapist and I went over all of the crazy things I was thinking about. She told me what was real and what wasn't. I forgot the list, but I'm bringing it next time. She told me to. Am off to the doctor this afternoon. Not much to blog about today.
They are also setting up daycare for Monday and a taxi for me to get there and back for the next few weeks and after that we will go from there.
They are also setting up daycare for Monday and a taxi for me to get there and back for the next few weeks and after that we will go from there.
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
Therapy on Thursday
I am reminded of the conversation I had last night with Allison. She said perhaps I need to be more honest with my therapist. I am thinking about all of the things I think happened that I don't really know if happened. I'm going to list them and wonder if I should ask her about them.
1) I asked her if she was dating my dad in session 1...because I was listening to the voices in my head.
2)I remember quoting a lot of songs and her asking me "what do you want out of this."
3)I remember telling her that my uncle buried bodies under the houses he builds and that when they travel he is a serial killer and makes it look like an accident...lol.
4)I remember witnessing a murder as a little girl by the murder and my other uncle whose not really my uncle told me "shh don't tell anybody." as he let the body float away in the river. My little cousin was there (I was about ten and it was a trip to Florida we were on). I was like "you can't tell what you don't remember. You too, buddy. You didn't see anything." and my cousin nodded.
5)I remember laughing hysterically and asking if she has listened to the radio, then her turning on the radio and me being like "what...that's not the radio station I was listening to!" Then she was like "your going to the hospital...now. Let's go." asshole.
6)I remember writing Miranda Lambert's song "Heart Like Mine" when I work at the Irving, having her come in to the Irving, asking her to wait a minute and handing her the letter and asking her to get it to Miranda Lambert.
7)This was after the couple that I had given the winning lottery ticket numbers to when I was fifteen in BC when I was sailing on the YAGS had found me when I was nineteen at the Irving and gave me a winning lottery ticket for forty million dollars. I was with my ex at the time and figured that kind of money in his hands would be a danger to society. I also didn't know how to help and what to do with it so I just met her at the place that she worked, told her secretary I REALLY needed to talk to her, and told her to sign the ticket and told her she was smarter than me. I also said "I ain't got time for this shit." then I told her I wanted her to pay for my therapy sessions and wanted to drive her car once and that was it.
8)I thought my ex was a serial killer. (I told the police I had acted like a serial killer and studied their routines to get around them) I told them this after I had slept at the police station for three days to tell them.
9)In High School I wrote Brad Paisley a letter and he recorder "This is Country Music" because I wrote the song. I told him I just wanted him to record it. It was so well recieved he did a spin off album.
10)I remember my therapist coming up to me in high school and being like "What are you doing." Couldn't give her an answer. She went to the librarian and was like "she's not doing her homework."
11)I remember my therapist coming into Irving and asking for air. (Of course I didn't think that she could put her own air in her tires) She was like "Can I puh-lease get some air in my tires," right snooty. Because I told my co worker I didn't feel good enough to do it...pregnancy hormones...then I went to walk over to her car and was like "oh crap, do you want to drive it around" then she was like "You can do it. You do have a license dontcha." then I was like "license to what." Then I drove it to the pump, left a toonie in her console, to be a smart ass, told her I couldn't get it because the voices in my head told me to say that because I couldnt sit the way I wanted to (kneeling), she was like "let me try." Then she was like "I can't get it either." then she kneeled right/ Then I got down and got it open. Then I put the air in the other tire. I asked if she wanted me to do the other two. She was like "no, I can do it myself." I nodded and was like "right." Then I stood there blankly trying to figure out if she had found the money and I was like okay she definetely did. So, I walked past her and held out my hand for the return of the toonie.
Taking a breather. Anybody notice that my therapist pops up in a lot of my dreams.
12)I remember thinking that the end of the world was coming (the day of my admittance to the psyc ward) and was really happy that they had found heaven in Germany because World War 2 didn't really happen in Germany
13)I remember trying to move cars with my body movements the day of my accident. I now know I am not a super hero.
14)Just as I was driving along with my grandparents as a teenagers I remember thinking "the love of money really is the route of all evil." I don't know why I was thinking that, but I was looking at houses my family had built.
15)I remember my therapist coming into Irving, introducing herself to the Jonas Brothers, then me meeting the Jonas brothers. They also gave me their phone number. This is wierd, because I am not even a Jonas Brothers fan.
16)I remember meeting Miranda Lambert at Irving, and her asking me what I wanted her to do with the song. I told her to record it, and signed away my rights to it.
17)Just one more that I remember. My grandparents sat me down, told me I was adopted, and I had to meet my mom when I was 16. I was like "adopted by who," thinking to myself "who would give my mother a kid." I told them fine. I wanted to meet her. I went to the Social Development building and said I did not want to see her. I just wanted to ask her one question. I asked if she wanted an open adoption. She said "yes." I asked for the pic I had handed her back, told her I knew who she was, wrote Jer 29:11 on the back and told her I knew who she was. I wanted to see her in peace without my grandparents getting angry if I saw her. Guess who it was? My therapist...oh brother. As I left, I remember thinking "it doesn't matter what they do to me tonight, my mom wanted an open adoption!"
18)She is not the only one. I had a friend who told me she had an abortion around the same time I was born and I thought she was my real mother.
19)I remember being sliced open with a knife down there as a young child.
20)I remember a strange man in my bathroom while my mom was bathing me.
21)I remember getting locked in my bedroom as a child and having to climb in my window, my mommy washed my mouth out with soap. Oh well. And arm & shoulder toothpast tastes disgusting.
22)I remember seeing several babies being burnt alive in a giant room in my next door neighbours apartment when I was five. Much like a Satanic ritual. Relax, I am not going to hurt anybody, this is just my rediculously vivid imagination
23)I remember that Leigh was with a bunch of country singers during my therapy session in which I was admitted to the psyc ward. Angelina Jolie was also my mediator.
24)I also remember being abuses as a teenager and thinking "maybe he will stop if I just stop asking him to read to me.
25)I also remember writing the story of how my uncle was molested by his dad and they called him crazy and had him admitted to the psyc ward after killing his girlfriend. This story was broadcast on the biography channel (really I watched it!)
26)I also dreamt that I dated my therapists brother, with whom we shared wine, a beach make out session, and a sunset. Don't worry, he was not as old as her real brother.
27)Remember when there was a fire at the furniture building over West? Well, I thought that was because the owner and his partner were serial killers and that was just a cover up for what had really happened.
28)During my pregnancy Ben Affleck commented on my youtube account and said "Hi, I'm Ben Affleck. How are you."
My response? "Dear Mr. Affleck. I believe you. I wish you and your family nothing but the best." Well, it was SOMETHING like that.
29)My bladder being stretched at age 10 was also apparently an abortion.
30)And at the end of all this, my therapist who is apparently my mother that built the psyc ward to my standards, asks me if I got better. The answer, would be, judging by the fact that I don't know what is real and what is not...NO! Now ask me which ones I think are real and aren't real.
That's really not all, but that's all I could get out in one sitting.
Ha. We are gonna have a lot to talk about in therapy I think.
And when you are done laughing, and going "huh", you better freaking comment after this entry.
Can somebody print this off for me so I don't have to write it all out for her?
By the way, you owe me twenty million dollars, I was clearly not healthy enough to give you that kind of authority over my money. haha.
1) I asked her if she was dating my dad in session 1...because I was listening to the voices in my head.
2)I remember quoting a lot of songs and her asking me "what do you want out of this."
3)I remember telling her that my uncle buried bodies under the houses he builds and that when they travel he is a serial killer and makes it look like an accident...lol.
4)I remember witnessing a murder as a little girl by the murder and my other uncle whose not really my uncle told me "shh don't tell anybody." as he let the body float away in the river. My little cousin was there (I was about ten and it was a trip to Florida we were on). I was like "you can't tell what you don't remember. You too, buddy. You didn't see anything." and my cousin nodded.
5)I remember laughing hysterically and asking if she has listened to the radio, then her turning on the radio and me being like "what...that's not the radio station I was listening to!" Then she was like "your going to the hospital...now. Let's go." asshole.
6)I remember writing Miranda Lambert's song "Heart Like Mine" when I work at the Irving, having her come in to the Irving, asking her to wait a minute and handing her the letter and asking her to get it to Miranda Lambert.
7)This was after the couple that I had given the winning lottery ticket numbers to when I was fifteen in BC when I was sailing on the YAGS had found me when I was nineteen at the Irving and gave me a winning lottery ticket for forty million dollars. I was with my ex at the time and figured that kind of money in his hands would be a danger to society. I also didn't know how to help and what to do with it so I just met her at the place that she worked, told her secretary I REALLY needed to talk to her, and told her to sign the ticket and told her she was smarter than me. I also said "I ain't got time for this shit." then I told her I wanted her to pay for my therapy sessions and wanted to drive her car once and that was it.
8)I thought my ex was a serial killer. (I told the police I had acted like a serial killer and studied their routines to get around them) I told them this after I had slept at the police station for three days to tell them.
9)In High School I wrote Brad Paisley a letter and he recorder "This is Country Music" because I wrote the song. I told him I just wanted him to record it. It was so well recieved he did a spin off album.
10)I remember my therapist coming up to me in high school and being like "What are you doing." Couldn't give her an answer. She went to the librarian and was like "she's not doing her homework."
11)I remember my therapist coming into Irving and asking for air. (Of course I didn't think that she could put her own air in her tires) She was like "Can I puh-lease get some air in my tires," right snooty. Because I told my co worker I didn't feel good enough to do it...pregnancy hormones...then I went to walk over to her car and was like "oh crap, do you want to drive it around" then she was like "You can do it. You do have a license dontcha." then I was like "license to what." Then I drove it to the pump, left a toonie in her console, to be a smart ass, told her I couldn't get it because the voices in my head told me to say that because I couldnt sit the way I wanted to (kneeling), she was like "let me try." Then she was like "I can't get it either." then she kneeled right/ Then I got down and got it open. Then I put the air in the other tire. I asked if she wanted me to do the other two. She was like "no, I can do it myself." I nodded and was like "right." Then I stood there blankly trying to figure out if she had found the money and I was like okay she definetely did. So, I walked past her and held out my hand for the return of the toonie.
Taking a breather. Anybody notice that my therapist pops up in a lot of my dreams.
12)I remember thinking that the end of the world was coming (the day of my admittance to the psyc ward) and was really happy that they had found heaven in Germany because World War 2 didn't really happen in Germany
13)I remember trying to move cars with my body movements the day of my accident. I now know I am not a super hero.
14)Just as I was driving along with my grandparents as a teenagers I remember thinking "the love of money really is the route of all evil." I don't know why I was thinking that, but I was looking at houses my family had built.
15)I remember my therapist coming into Irving, introducing herself to the Jonas Brothers, then me meeting the Jonas brothers. They also gave me their phone number. This is wierd, because I am not even a Jonas Brothers fan.
16)I remember meeting Miranda Lambert at Irving, and her asking me what I wanted her to do with the song. I told her to record it, and signed away my rights to it.
17)Just one more that I remember. My grandparents sat me down, told me I was adopted, and I had to meet my mom when I was 16. I was like "adopted by who," thinking to myself "who would give my mother a kid." I told them fine. I wanted to meet her. I went to the Social Development building and said I did not want to see her. I just wanted to ask her one question. I asked if she wanted an open adoption. She said "yes." I asked for the pic I had handed her back, told her I knew who she was, wrote Jer 29:11 on the back and told her I knew who she was. I wanted to see her in peace without my grandparents getting angry if I saw her. Guess who it was? My therapist...oh brother. As I left, I remember thinking "it doesn't matter what they do to me tonight, my mom wanted an open adoption!"
18)She is not the only one. I had a friend who told me she had an abortion around the same time I was born and I thought she was my real mother.
19)I remember being sliced open with a knife down there as a young child.
20)I remember a strange man in my bathroom while my mom was bathing me.
21)I remember getting locked in my bedroom as a child and having to climb in my window, my mommy washed my mouth out with soap. Oh well. And arm & shoulder toothpast tastes disgusting.
22)I remember seeing several babies being burnt alive in a giant room in my next door neighbours apartment when I was five. Much like a Satanic ritual. Relax, I am not going to hurt anybody, this is just my rediculously vivid imagination
23)I remember that Leigh was with a bunch of country singers during my therapy session in which I was admitted to the psyc ward. Angelina Jolie was also my mediator.
24)I also remember being abuses as a teenager and thinking "maybe he will stop if I just stop asking him to read to me.
25)I also remember writing the story of how my uncle was molested by his dad and they called him crazy and had him admitted to the psyc ward after killing his girlfriend. This story was broadcast on the biography channel (really I watched it!)
26)I also dreamt that I dated my therapists brother, with whom we shared wine, a beach make out session, and a sunset. Don't worry, he was not as old as her real brother.
27)Remember when there was a fire at the furniture building over West? Well, I thought that was because the owner and his partner were serial killers and that was just a cover up for what had really happened.
28)During my pregnancy Ben Affleck commented on my youtube account and said "Hi, I'm Ben Affleck. How are you."
My response? "Dear Mr. Affleck. I believe you. I wish you and your family nothing but the best." Well, it was SOMETHING like that.
29)My bladder being stretched at age 10 was also apparently an abortion.
30)And at the end of all this, my therapist who is apparently my mother that built the psyc ward to my standards, asks me if I got better. The answer, would be, judging by the fact that I don't know what is real and what is not...NO! Now ask me which ones I think are real and aren't real.
That's really not all, but that's all I could get out in one sitting.
Ha. We are gonna have a lot to talk about in therapy I think.
And when you are done laughing, and going "huh", you better freaking comment after this entry.
Can somebody print this off for me so I don't have to write it all out for her?
By the way, you owe me twenty million dollars, I was clearly not healthy enough to give you that kind of authority over my money. haha.
Monday, 12 December 2011
While waiting for the thermometer
My son is sick. He has the diarhea and I don't know if he has a fever because I am wating for Sherry's daughter to bring over the thermometer.
I'm not sure why God has blessed me with such an amazing group of friends... It was a complete network of support. "Tammy" went to the store for me and provided me and my son with all of the neccessities for a sick child, Allison listened and provided advice, Sherry gave me medicine.
Sunday's birthday party went well. It was just family there but Liam enjoyed himself even though he wasn't feeling well. He got all kinds of stuff, including a wagon from my bio dad. My nan got him musical instruments. My sister got him a huge teddy bear. My aunt and uncle got him a phone and a tool set.
I have had a good couple of days. I haven't had hardly any crazy thoughts, at least very minimally. Maybe this medication is working for me. I am tired all of the time, but I think it is worth it.
Thank you guys for everything, too.
I'm not sure why God has blessed me with such an amazing group of friends... It was a complete network of support. "Tammy" went to the store for me and provided me and my son with all of the neccessities for a sick child, Allison listened and provided advice, Sherry gave me medicine.
Sunday's birthday party went well. It was just family there but Liam enjoyed himself even though he wasn't feeling well. He got all kinds of stuff, including a wagon from my bio dad. My nan got him musical instruments. My sister got him a huge teddy bear. My aunt and uncle got him a phone and a tool set.
I have had a good couple of days. I haven't had hardly any crazy thoughts, at least very minimally. Maybe this medication is working for me. I am tired all of the time, but I think it is worth it.
Thank you guys for everything, too.
Sunday, 11 December 2011
Mixed signals... clearly?
Well, last night "Roger" and I went out. He took me out to Pizza Delight and we went to see Immortals. It was such a cool movie. Anyways, he has told me it's going to be his mission to win my heart and make me his princess.
This is still after I told him I didn't want a relationship. Well, I kind of bombed that theory. Afterall, we spent half an hour making out in my driveway. Now, what? Now, lets see... he is a gentleman, he cooks, he cleans, he's sweet, a good listener and he accepts me for me. He also holds down a decent job.
So, what is my problem? Oh right, I was emotionally damaged by the last one and probably don't want to get hurt again? No, that's not it. I like my freedom. Yeah, probably that one. I like my freedom. But then again, I have a lot of fun hanging out with Roger. And he is a good kisser.
But after you kiss, then comes other things, and with other things there is a potential of babies and I don't want any more babies. Which, he is apparently okay with. Although he wants to move to the country and I like where I live... hmmmm... because seriously I could see myself getting hitched to him, sure why not.
Oh, THAT'S why I don't him to be my boyfriend. I don't want to get married yet. Just hop on down to the courthouse and do it though.... than I could get a job. Ha. just kidding. Well, this was a confusing blog for all of us. I think I made my point clear.
Roger and I made out, I'm gonna have to get tied down, and of course I don't feel ready. Uffff.
This is still after I told him I didn't want a relationship. Well, I kind of bombed that theory. Afterall, we spent half an hour making out in my driveway. Now, what? Now, lets see... he is a gentleman, he cooks, he cleans, he's sweet, a good listener and he accepts me for me. He also holds down a decent job.
So, what is my problem? Oh right, I was emotionally damaged by the last one and probably don't want to get hurt again? No, that's not it. I like my freedom. Yeah, probably that one. I like my freedom. But then again, I have a lot of fun hanging out with Roger. And he is a good kisser.
But after you kiss, then comes other things, and with other things there is a potential of babies and I don't want any more babies. Which, he is apparently okay with. Although he wants to move to the country and I like where I live... hmmmm... because seriously I could see myself getting hitched to him, sure why not.
Oh, THAT'S why I don't him to be my boyfriend. I don't want to get married yet. Just hop on down to the courthouse and do it though.... than I could get a job. Ha. just kidding. Well, this was a confusing blog for all of us. I think I made my point clear.
Roger and I made out, I'm gonna have to get tied down, and of course I don't feel ready. Uffff.
Saturday, 10 December 2011
The last couple of days
My nurse came yesterday and said she was going to get CPS moving on my case, that way we can get things rolling faster because they have that power. I told her about the voices and she said to stay on the medication for the weekend as prescribes.
I've done that and there haven't been any voices. I spent the night at my aunt and uncle's. I got to sleep in. I also told my aunt about some of what was going on and she said I need to let her know if it gets worse. It is nice to know that I am going to have this support.
"Allison" also came over yesterday. I think she should get her shrinky dink license. Haha.
I got to drive an Escalade today, to drop my cousin's skates off to her, and to return the missplaced van keys of Sherry's. Oops.
I suppose I don't have much else to write about today. I am feeling pretty good overall, so far. Off to buy Leigh a birthday gift today.
I've done that and there haven't been any voices. I spent the night at my aunt and uncle's. I got to sleep in. I also told my aunt about some of what was going on and she said I need to let her know if it gets worse. It is nice to know that I am going to have this support.
"Allison" also came over yesterday. I think she should get her shrinky dink license. Haha.
I got to drive an Escalade today, to drop my cousin's skates off to her, and to return the missplaced van keys of Sherry's. Oops.
I suppose I don't have much else to write about today. I am feeling pretty good overall, so far. Off to buy Leigh a birthday gift today.
Friday, 9 December 2011
hmmm
Suddenly, I feel fine. I stink though. I need a shower. Off to my aunts tonight so won't be blogging as I don't want them to discover this blog.
the voices
I am scared. The voices are coming back. I buried my head in my pillow last night as I shook vigorously telling the voices to "LEAVE ME ALONE," "I WILL BEAT YOU THIS TIME." There was a group of multiple children chanting at me. "We are going to kill you," they would say.
Everytime this happens I feel like there is something I am supposed to remember. I just don't know.
Everytime this happens I feel like there is something I am supposed to remember. I just don't know.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Bipor Or Schizo?
UFf... what is wrong with me? Less than twelve hours ago I was supposed to be strangling myself. This evening as it turned into night, those thoughts became minimal. Then I was surged with thoughts of happiness. Not thoughts of happiness, perse. Just happiness.
I played with Leigh. We played catch and soccer and hide-and-seek with the ball. I chased him, he chased me. He actually listened to me when I told him not to go in the bathroom and closed the door for me. Because I was so happy, I believe he was happy.
Now, this lasted until about half an hour before bed time. (About two hours it lasted) The thoughts returned to me. It was time to die again. Huh. Fascinating.
This medication is making me so tired though. How can I go to one extreme to the other so quickly? I'm googling it!
I played with Leigh. We played catch and soccer and hide-and-seek with the ball. I chased him, he chased me. He actually listened to me when I told him not to go in the bathroom and closed the door for me. Because I was so happy, I believe he was happy.
Now, this lasted until about half an hour before bed time. (About two hours it lasted) The thoughts returned to me. It was time to die again. Huh. Fascinating.
This medication is making me so tired though. How can I go to one extreme to the other so quickly? I'm googling it!
While my son naps....
So, I have used fake names for the purpose of this blog. I went over to "Sherry's" this morning, borrowed her van, went to the bank, paid my overdue rent through my account, and went to get groceries. I also bought some macaroni for lunch for a change, rather than a sandwich. However, I don't think that mattered because I filled up on popcorn chips and tea afterwards. I spent a large portion of my day over there. haha. poor woman.
I think we had a resourceful day. I found a daycare with an opening for my son "Leigh." Hopefully; when I talk to my nurse tomorrow she will continue to be able to pay the difference and the taxi fair there. Maybe this will give me an opportunity to get out some. Being cooped up in this house all the time is doing me no good.
Anyways, the conversations with myself are getting worse. I literally sit there and talk to myself and have full blown conversations with myself. If I don't talk to myself, because perhaps am not in the mood, because I talked to somebody else that day, I miss myself.
I answer myself. Just like the time I was talking to myself and burnt my thumbs the other night with a lighter. ouch. My thumb still hurts.
The voices in my head are coming back. They tell me to do away with myself. They told me to strangle myself the last couple mornings. Of course, I don't.... because there is this impulse when it happens. I don't make plans. It's just completely impulsive when I feel I can't take it any more. When I have my boy, I know I can't.
I worry that nobody would find him and take care of him. Of course, I wouldn't take him over to anybody's house. Then they would know what was going on. So, the only way this would happen (unless my medication screws me up) would be if he was gone to his father's and I was alone and impulsive.
It's like another person takes control of my mind and posessed me and I am somebody completely different. As Sherry said today....maybe I am posessed!!
I think we had a resourceful day. I found a daycare with an opening for my son "Leigh." Hopefully; when I talk to my nurse tomorrow she will continue to be able to pay the difference and the taxi fair there. Maybe this will give me an opportunity to get out some. Being cooped up in this house all the time is doing me no good.
Anyways, the conversations with myself are getting worse. I literally sit there and talk to myself and have full blown conversations with myself. If I don't talk to myself, because perhaps am not in the mood, because I talked to somebody else that day, I miss myself.
I answer myself. Just like the time I was talking to myself and burnt my thumbs the other night with a lighter. ouch. My thumb still hurts.
The voices in my head are coming back. They tell me to do away with myself. They told me to strangle myself the last couple mornings. Of course, I don't.... because there is this impulse when it happens. I don't make plans. It's just completely impulsive when I feel I can't take it any more. When I have my boy, I know I can't.
I worry that nobody would find him and take care of him. Of course, I wouldn't take him over to anybody's house. Then they would know what was going on. So, the only way this would happen (unless my medication screws me up) would be if he was gone to his father's and I was alone and impulsive.
It's like another person takes control of my mind and posessed me and I am somebody completely different. As Sherry said today....maybe I am posessed!!
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Waiting For My Floors To Dry
Well, my son is napping. I am awating the my physcial and emotional floors to dry. Some day things will become positive. I hope this person is offended by my reference, but a friend posted that we (I'm assuming she meant the neighbourhood friends) should either win the lottery or start blogging.
I think they are both great idea's. I was also thinking that it should be me to win it, therefore I don't have to share it with any body. I would give to my three neighbourhood friends, family, live off interest, and spent my life time trying to help people are worse off than myself. Many people are struggling and that's why I believe God doesn't deal with the lottery. I sat down and tried to think of all the helping I'd like to do if I won and I was overwhelmed with confusion because I wanted to do it all. Poor God.
As for the blogging idea, great idea. I think it's a great idea. We all have diverse backgrounds, different idea's, different stories, different ways of dealing with things. Maybe one day, there will be a movie about us. We could be like off of "sisterhood of the travelling pants."
I know. I know. I have a vivid, wild imagination.
As for the workability program I cannot afford to make up the difference in childcare (good luck finding any!) and they only pay for one bus pass. After that I am on my own. Nonetheless, my public health nurse doesn't think I should go with that program right now. She says I need to focus on getting better. aka less suicidial.
She said if I can find a licensed childcare she can make up the difference when I go to a program to teach my life skilks. She said maybe I could get a bus pass through my worker, and they might be able to pay a taxi to take my son to daycare.
It is oh so frustrating talking to a blog. You are just like a wall. You don't answer back. Oh well, I'm pretty used to talking to myself... and it's not normal the way I do it!! My therapist told me so! Well not really... she said "we all talk to ourselves to some degree" or something like that. She just gives me funny looks when I say I do something wierd, like talking to myself.
Seriously...she referred to it as a friend... I have an imaginary friend at 22. Yep. That's right. It's not called inside the mind of a crazy person for nothing.
I think they are both great idea's. I was also thinking that it should be me to win it, therefore I don't have to share it with any body. I would give to my three neighbourhood friends, family, live off interest, and spent my life time trying to help people are worse off than myself. Many people are struggling and that's why I believe God doesn't deal with the lottery. I sat down and tried to think of all the helping I'd like to do if I won and I was overwhelmed with confusion because I wanted to do it all. Poor God.
As for the blogging idea, great idea. I think it's a great idea. We all have diverse backgrounds, different idea's, different stories, different ways of dealing with things. Maybe one day, there will be a movie about us. We could be like off of "sisterhood of the travelling pants."
I know. I know. I have a vivid, wild imagination.
As for the workability program I cannot afford to make up the difference in childcare (good luck finding any!) and they only pay for one bus pass. After that I am on my own. Nonetheless, my public health nurse doesn't think I should go with that program right now. She says I need to focus on getting better. aka less suicidial.
She said if I can find a licensed childcare she can make up the difference when I go to a program to teach my life skilks. She said maybe I could get a bus pass through my worker, and they might be able to pay a taxi to take my son to daycare.
It is oh so frustrating talking to a blog. You are just like a wall. You don't answer back. Oh well, I'm pretty used to talking to myself... and it's not normal the way I do it!! My therapist told me so! Well not really... she said "we all talk to ourselves to some degree" or something like that. She just gives me funny looks when I say I do something wierd, like talking to myself.
Seriously...she referred to it as a friend... I have an imaginary friend at 22. Yep. That's right. It's not called inside the mind of a crazy person for nothing.
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Appointment with Employment Counsellor
Did an employment counsellor actually do SOMETHING for me? We debated school and work and all in all I said I wanted to find work with decent wages. She suggested the workability program. It is a twelve week program where I get paid to work for non profit organization. They should pay for my daycare and transportation.
I am concerned that my worker will not be willing to pay the high cost of daycare and transportation out here, but we will see. Small, baby steps.
Maybe this is what I need to boost my self esteem? I will miss my son but I am certain he will have fun wherever he is at :) Hopefully, he doesn't get sick though. Those are other things I need to think about. If I miss days of work, I will miss out on money.
It is really not easy trying to make it in the world as a single mother. Guess, I should of thought about that before I had a baby.
Nonetheless, I don't feel like killing myself very much today. That's a positive note. I'm supposed to be at home resting so away I am to nap :) Please comment if you read my blog.
I am concerned that my worker will not be willing to pay the high cost of daycare and transportation out here, but we will see. Small, baby steps.
Maybe this is what I need to boost my self esteem? I will miss my son but I am certain he will have fun wherever he is at :) Hopefully, he doesn't get sick though. Those are other things I need to think about. If I miss days of work, I will miss out on money.
It is really not easy trying to make it in the world as a single mother. Guess, I should of thought about that before I had a baby.
Nonetheless, I don't feel like killing myself very much today. That's a positive note. I'm supposed to be at home resting so away I am to nap :) Please comment if you read my blog.
Monday, 5 December 2011
I'm a Pyromaniac
I also forgot to mention my fire obsession. It didn't seem to flow into my last blog entry so I thought I would write a seperate one.
Ever since I was a little girl I have been obsessed with fire. All of my siblings have the same obsession. Yes, we are pyromaniacs. I lit matched when I was six and my old sister got the blame for burning the carpet. Yes, it was I who did such a horrible deed.
The obsession with fire never ceases. I have to light my hotdogs and marshmallow's on fire at bonfires just to have the fire close to me. People are always screaming out me to blow it out but what they don't know is that I am infact enjoying every second of danger that is coming my way. I wish I knew were my illnesses had begun. Oh why oh why, did I not stay in therapy longer as a youngon. Oh, it wouldn't of mattered because I didn't like any of my counsellors. I was closed minded and had a set in stone idea of the one that would work for me. I like the one I have now.
Anyways, back to my obsession. As a teen, I would build campfires out back of my house unbenounced to my family members. I almost lit my aunt and uncles million dollar house on fire because I was lighting paper on fire. This was just before I almost drowned myself (not sure if it was accidental or not) in the river down below where I lived.
A couple of days ago, I flickered a lighter I had found in my driveway wondering what it would be like to light myself on fire. This was not neccessarily a suicidal thought, for I would not want a painful death. I think this was more about my obsession with fire. So, I took that lighter and lit my shirt on fire.
"Crap!" I thought to myself. I didn't actually expect it to light on fire!! I was just playing. As I often had done as a child. Of course my family is so naive that they had no idea the things that went on in my head. I was just a rebel child, ignore her mental illness. Just kidding...I didn't light myself on fire.
Ever since I was a little girl I have been obsessed with fire. All of my siblings have the same obsession. Yes, we are pyromaniacs. I lit matched when I was six and my old sister got the blame for burning the carpet. Yes, it was I who did such a horrible deed.
The obsession with fire never ceases. I have to light my hotdogs and marshmallow's on fire at bonfires just to have the fire close to me. People are always screaming out me to blow it out but what they don't know is that I am infact enjoying every second of danger that is coming my way. I wish I knew were my illnesses had begun. Oh why oh why, did I not stay in therapy longer as a youngon. Oh, it wouldn't of mattered because I didn't like any of my counsellors. I was closed minded and had a set in stone idea of the one that would work for me. I like the one I have now.
Anyways, back to my obsession. As a teen, I would build campfires out back of my house unbenounced to my family members. I almost lit my aunt and uncles million dollar house on fire because I was lighting paper on fire. This was just before I almost drowned myself (not sure if it was accidental or not) in the river down below where I lived.
A couple of days ago, I flickered a lighter I had found in my driveway wondering what it would be like to light myself on fire. This was not neccessarily a suicidal thought, for I would not want a painful death. I think this was more about my obsession with fire. So, I took that lighter and lit my shirt on fire.
"Crap!" I thought to myself. I didn't actually expect it to light on fire!! I was just playing. As I often had done as a child. Of course my family is so naive that they had no idea the things that went on in my head. I was just a rebel child, ignore her mental illness. Just kidding...I didn't light myself on fire.
Appointment with Psychiatrist Today
I will write this as my tired-as-can-be son naps.
After struggling to drag myself out of bed this morning to get up with my son, he was very cuddly. He did not want to eat or do anything but cry. I picked him up and snuggled with him and it as it was all he wanted was to cuddle.
This was a great reminder that my son needs me, jobless and moneyless and all. I know that it's not really him I'm worried about. Selfishly, it is myself. My family members will provide for my son financially. Anything he wants he will have. It is I, who shall go without.
My psychiatrist said my eyes looked better today. Perhaps because the cuddling session with my son led to my belief that he still needs me. Nonetheless, my psychiatrist and public health nurse have decided they need to "step up their work."
Now, I am going to have in home visits and weekly phone calls. I wouldn't talk to them on the phone before as it was because of my budget. I am limited to so many minutes a day on my phone. I told them my foolish concern, and they said it made sense. As it would turn out, my nurse has a Rogers phone herself. Rogers to Rogers calling is free. :) So, we solved one minor dilemma.
She may be starting me out in this program in the beginning of winter. It is for mom's 22 and up. I don't know if it will be beneficial. I will have to miss out on babysitting and would not be able to afford food at this point. Believe it or not 200/mth budget for food is just not enough to feed a twenty two year old mom and a two year old boy.
This course is supposed to also provide information on employment. I am not stupid. I do not want to waste my time any more with employment and school counsellors. They have done me no good. A waste of tax payers money, as they went to school and have reasonable incomes. It is they, who know less than I. I will have to explain to these people that many of their suggestions are foolish and irrational.
Sure, I could go to school and come out making minimum wage. After explaining this to my employment counsellor, she agreed with me. ufff. I can do a job search myself on the jobbank for goodness sake. If that is what I do at my employment counsellor's tomorrow I am going to lose it. Oh wait, I already have. I wish I could smack the government over the head with a frying pan.
They have also put me on even more medication, it is getting rediculous!
My grandmother's cancer is progressing. She has been so much of my support over my time as a single mother. She watched my boy today but could barely stand by the time I returned to her. I am not going to have much support very soon. She is getting so sick. Again. Maybe this time I will handle it better. I am still sick in mind, but when I was fifteen and we went through this I told her I didn't care that she had cancer and wished she were dead.
This was in fact not true. I knew the cancer she had was and still is curable, if she choses treatment. I have a strange way of dealing with things, but my counsellor has taught me some better communication skills and anger management techniques. Hopefully, I will be able to use these.
After struggling to drag myself out of bed this morning to get up with my son, he was very cuddly. He did not want to eat or do anything but cry. I picked him up and snuggled with him and it as it was all he wanted was to cuddle.
This was a great reminder that my son needs me, jobless and moneyless and all. I know that it's not really him I'm worried about. Selfishly, it is myself. My family members will provide for my son financially. Anything he wants he will have. It is I, who shall go without.
My psychiatrist said my eyes looked better today. Perhaps because the cuddling session with my son led to my belief that he still needs me. Nonetheless, my psychiatrist and public health nurse have decided they need to "step up their work."
Now, I am going to have in home visits and weekly phone calls. I wouldn't talk to them on the phone before as it was because of my budget. I am limited to so many minutes a day on my phone. I told them my foolish concern, and they said it made sense. As it would turn out, my nurse has a Rogers phone herself. Rogers to Rogers calling is free. :) So, we solved one minor dilemma.
She may be starting me out in this program in the beginning of winter. It is for mom's 22 and up. I don't know if it will be beneficial. I will have to miss out on babysitting and would not be able to afford food at this point. Believe it or not 200/mth budget for food is just not enough to feed a twenty two year old mom and a two year old boy.
This course is supposed to also provide information on employment. I am not stupid. I do not want to waste my time any more with employment and school counsellors. They have done me no good. A waste of tax payers money, as they went to school and have reasonable incomes. It is they, who know less than I. I will have to explain to these people that many of their suggestions are foolish and irrational.
Sure, I could go to school and come out making minimum wage. After explaining this to my employment counsellor, she agreed with me. ufff. I can do a job search myself on the jobbank for goodness sake. If that is what I do at my employment counsellor's tomorrow I am going to lose it. Oh wait, I already have. I wish I could smack the government over the head with a frying pan.
They have also put me on even more medication, it is getting rediculous!
My grandmother's cancer is progressing. She has been so much of my support over my time as a single mother. She watched my boy today but could barely stand by the time I returned to her. I am not going to have much support very soon. She is getting so sick. Again. Maybe this time I will handle it better. I am still sick in mind, but when I was fifteen and we went through this I told her I didn't care that she had cancer and wished she were dead.
This was in fact not true. I knew the cancer she had was and still is curable, if she choses treatment. I have a strange way of dealing with things, but my counsellor has taught me some better communication skills and anger management techniques. Hopefully, I will be able to use these.
Sunday, 4 December 2011
I want to kill myself
I never truly believed I would be to this point in my life. I never believed I would be here. My life is not that bad. Sure, I don't have a job or any money. I have a loving two year old son that I would be lost with out. He is my method of survival. I live in a nice neighbourhood with caring and loyal friends. These things just aren't enough any more. Growing up I used to think about wiping myself off of the earth and that nobody would notice, because I had no friends. But now, I do sort of have those around that would be affected by my death.
Just today, I frightened myself with the belt around my neck. Why would I do this? I am not afraid to kill myself any longer like I used to be. I am not afraid to let go. I am not really afraid of hell that much. As I tightened the belt around my neck I wasn't even sad. I briefly decided I did not want to do such a thing. As I released the belts grip around my neck, I looked at myself in the mirror and I took a deep breath. I couldn't even sigh a sigh of relief. For, I was not relieved. I truly wanted to die, but I cried to myself.
I thought to myself how could I do that to myself. Was I really ready to let go? I cried and thought how could I do such a thing to my son. He really is what keeps me going.I don't want him to know my legacy as the "mentally ill mother who killed herself." I won't let my boy grow up to turn out like me as both my father and mother had done to me. It is tought to battle a mental illness that's been created in my mind through life's circumstances and both of my parents mental illnesses.
Maybe one day I'll look back on all of this and think that my little boy saved my life. I don't want to
be that mom. I want to be the strong mom that loves her son and shows him all the positive ways of the world. I want to be loving and ready for action at all times. I do not want to be the mom off of "About A Boy."
Eventually, that boy turned out well. I don't want my son to go through torment and torture that I went through watching my parents and grandparents (the ones that raised me) suffer through mental illnes. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I have a counsellor but I cannot even talk to her any longer. If she knew I had plans in recent times to do such a thing she would send me back to the hospital. I don't want my son to go through the trauma of losing me temporarily again to be returned to me. I cannot be honest with her and tell her that the possibility is there. A hospital would not do my mind any good anyways. I need a change in life circumstances and I failed with the lottery ticket that was purchased.
Check back in as you watch my battle, trials and tribulations through my mental illness. The video below is not me, just something I found on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdkNn3Ei-Lg
Just today, I frightened myself with the belt around my neck. Why would I do this? I am not afraid to kill myself any longer like I used to be. I am not afraid to let go. I am not really afraid of hell that much. As I tightened the belt around my neck I wasn't even sad. I briefly decided I did not want to do such a thing. As I released the belts grip around my neck, I looked at myself in the mirror and I took a deep breath. I couldn't even sigh a sigh of relief. For, I was not relieved. I truly wanted to die, but I cried to myself.
I thought to myself how could I do that to myself. Was I really ready to let go? I cried and thought how could I do such a thing to my son. He really is what keeps me going.I don't want him to know my legacy as the "mentally ill mother who killed herself." I won't let my boy grow up to turn out like me as both my father and mother had done to me. It is tought to battle a mental illness that's been created in my mind through life's circumstances and both of my parents mental illnesses.
Maybe one day I'll look back on all of this and think that my little boy saved my life. I don't want to
be that mom. I want to be the strong mom that loves her son and shows him all the positive ways of the world. I want to be loving and ready for action at all times. I do not want to be the mom off of "About A Boy."
Eventually, that boy turned out well. I don't want my son to go through torment and torture that I went through watching my parents and grandparents (the ones that raised me) suffer through mental illnes. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I have a counsellor but I cannot even talk to her any longer. If she knew I had plans in recent times to do such a thing she would send me back to the hospital. I don't want my son to go through the trauma of losing me temporarily again to be returned to me. I cannot be honest with her and tell her that the possibility is there. A hospital would not do my mind any good anyways. I need a change in life circumstances and I failed with the lottery ticket that was purchased.
Check back in as you watch my battle, trials and tribulations through my mental illness. The video below is not me, just something I found on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdkNn3Ei-Lg
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