Meeting with Psychiatrist

I met with my psychiatrist and nurse yet again today. My aunt came with me this time. My nurse said it seemed that now my aunt and uncle had a better idea of how bad my depression really was after me being with them for a while. My aunt was in tears, she seems to really want me to get better. My grandmother also called in tears, I just hate the heartache and pain I am causing my family. I couldn't keep it inside any longer though.

My psychiatrist prescribed me a heavier dose of medication and gave me a couple of sleeping pills. This should help give me get a good night's sleep for once, as I haven't had one in ages. I am up so many times a night.

I called Leigh's father and informed him that I would be going into the hospital for a few days for a medication adjustment. He agreed to take him for a few days. Later he called and asked how long I would be going in there for. He said that since Leigh started daycare he was going through seperation and said that he said "I want to go drive and see mommy." I explained to him that this was normal and children go through that and that he would be happy with him for a few days.

I'm going to miss Leigh but as usual, I am willing to try to get better for my son. I am supposed to make a list of all of the things that I find stressful and overwhelming in my life for my psychiatrist tomorrow.

I still have to meet with the social worker tomorrow to see if she can get full time daycare for Leigh. Then I have another meeting with my psychiatrist.

I am scared to go in the hospital again because it is a scary place, but I am also relieved to know that I might be able to get the help that I desperately need.

Somehow I don't think that a hospital stay is going to alleviate my problems or help me be able to better take care of Leigh. We will have to see.

zombie.

I feel like a comatose zombie.

Last night

Well, I almost took a bottle of pills last night. I stayed up late talking it out with my aunt and uncle, yet I am still here. Now, this evening I feel fine. This really is a chemical inbalance because I can feel one way one minute and differently the next. It's so strange.m

I took Leigh out to play in the snow today. He enjoyed it thoroughly.

Merry Christmas Again

Fuck my chemically inbalanced brain. Some times there is just no better word. I am not posting this on Christmas, but saving it rather,  for I do not want to upset any body on Christmas.

Here I am on Christmas, surrounded with what is supposed to be the joy of celebrating the birth of Christ. I am not hungry, concerned about finances, or even pre occupied with responsibility. I got lots of lovely gifts, including the new laptop I am writing on. I am in the best situation possible.

Yet, I am forcing myself to stay in the public eye because there is that little part of me that does care even though I couldn't care if I were dead. It is a good thing I am with my aunt and uncle and family. I want so badly to go upstairs and do away with myself. I don't want any body to find me on Christmas. Boxing day, maybe.

I want my son to have his mother, but my inbalance is getting worse, not better. They can medicate me and medicate me and medicate me again, but when it comes right down to it, the thoughts are still there. The thoughts remain the same. They just turn me into a zombie.

My uncle thinks that doctors and lawyers are prescribed something different. He is probably right, for how could a person function with NO ENERGY! How do they expect me to survive as a mom when I'm high out of my tree.

That is, however, not a plan. It's so confusing. Do you think every person that committs suicide has a plan? My feelings are just an over whelming jumble of confusion and chaos in a split second it could be done. The goal is to beat my thought process because God saved my life yet again. Therefore, I must have a larger purpose.

That's a step. Admitting I have a future. If only I believed that all the time.

Merry Christmas Again

Last night my friend gave me an mp3 player and a gift for Leigh. She asked how I was and I've become so tired of putting on a mask during my teenage years that I had to tell here what was going on. I saw "Jeremy" last night at the Christmas eve service. I love him. I went to his prom when I was fifteen. I want to marry him some time, he is beautiful.

Roger is upset because Acadian Bus Lines is down and his car is not working for winter at the moment. He can't get home to see his family, I feel badly but I am still being babysat. I am thinking about my neighbours and wondering how they are doing. I am giggling to myself thinking about how excited their children must be.
I wonder how Leigh is doing, he is with his father until 1. I am looking forward to seeing him this afternoon although he is going to be busy.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas Again

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all. I am excited for Ho HO to come. Are you? I am also so tired, and high as a kite. They have medicated me and turned me into a zombie. I haven't stopped sleeping! Stupid Olanzapine. My phone rang and my leg had gone to sleep and I had to drag myself to it on my hands. I also am rediculously hungry. One of the side effects is weight gain, oh boy.

I am too tired to write much else. Merry Christmas to all, hope its a good one. I'm very excited to see Leigh open his gifts.